I woke up at a quarter past four this morning and went to the toilet.

This is significant because my toilet faces dead east two blocks back from the beach. When the curtain is raised at 90-degrees due to outside winds, I know my hopes for surfing at that point are pretty much dust. I went back to bed thinking we’d just waited for the worst conditions of the two-week waiting period before kicking it all off.

Turns out the winds would not stay dead east all morning and we would see some half-decent waves for the 11am kickoff.

I admire the way that Kieren – commissioner still sounds all kinds of wrong – stared everything in the face for the last week and didn’t flinch. He held out for better conditions and kinda got them. He surfed fearlessly so we shouldn’t be surprised to see him ‘commission’ with the same bravado.

Perhaps KP’s job was made easier with the introduction of a new behind the scenes rule devised from suits from the new ASP. Breaking away from the old way of doing things, surfers are no longer invited into the talks of when competition heats will be run. No longer does the surfer’s representative or Kelly or Joel or other tour vets get a say in when the heats are run. The powers that be say, “We’re in charge now and you’re surfing when we say you are surfing.” This is a good development. Let the surfers worry about surfing and let the guys running the show worry about, well… unning the show.

The surfing was slow this morning, really slow. In fact, until Mick and Dane’s heat the combined surfers had an average heat score of 10.4 with more than half not even breaking double figures. Most of this could be attributed to the massive gurgly rip running right through the centre of the lineup. After every set, the rip would pump a little harder and it was catching surfers like flies in honey. Paddling back out and if you got caught in the rip it was like trying to cartwheel in mud. If you sat in the rip and tried to catch a wave, you’d just paddle and get flipped off the back like a toddler trying to ride a bulldog.

This rip was turning ASP dreams into 17th placed nightmares. Mitch Crews, the local kid, avoided the rip while Jules Wilson spent the middle part of his heat stuck in it and he was sent packing for his troubles. Add Wilson to Jordy’s and John John’s names as guys we expected more from at Snapper '14.

Dane inexplicably turned up to today’s heat without any boards. Not one! Maybe his toilet faces due east as well? His plan was to surf on two of Jordy’s boards that the big Saffa left behind. Dane whacked a Vans sticker on a 6’1” swallowtail New Flyer and went out for a freesurf. Dane’s normal New Flyer is a 5’9” rounded square. Before he walked down the stairs to paddle out he asked if anyone had a SUP paddle they could lend him because the board was so freaking big.

At this stage of Dane’s competitive career he’s just taking the complete and utter piss. I’m not judging him here, if I was in his shoes, I’d do the exact same thing - jaunty little moustache and all. But shit, it must please Mr Speaker to no end to watch the world’s most charismatic surfer outside of Slater get paid enough from Quik so he doesn’t have to give a fuck.

Mick dismembered Dane even though the judges gifted Dane his 7.33 for a throwaway fins out turn which he messily landed in the foam. The whole heat was like Mick was a naked fat man writhing on top of a turkey drumstick. I had to look away. Watching Dane trying to get the long board into the tight arcs we’re used to seeing was giving me the shits. How hard could it have been to bring just one little 5’9” down to the site?

Kelly walked past me before his matchup with Tiago Pires. I’ve been hearing how Kelly is walking around not saying much, looking pissed off, looking – even for him – exceedingly serious. Theory is, after two narrow world title losses to the Coolie kids he’s baying for blood. After today, I believe this theory.

Even in Fiji last year, where Slater’s absolute focus and determination was like nothing I’d ever seen before, he never had his glare on like he did today. When he walked past me and gave me the MMA eyes when I nodded to him, I felt sorry for what was about to happen to Tiago. Kelly never delivered the fireworks or a knockout punch but he was ruthless. Halfway through the heat he began going for low percentage, above the lip moves which longtime Slater watches understand to mean as "It's game over, I'm freesurfing now." When that happens everyone gets drawn into the mind games: the crowd, the announcers, and the opponent. Tiago didn't have a chance.

In the very next heat - Flores vs. De Souza - we almost saw a knockout punch, literally. Jeremy was feeling it, and he arced into a big top turn and lined up the next section only to spot De Souza freefalling out of the lip on a wave which he was never going to make. With about a nanosecond in reaction time Flores couldn’t avoid the Latino ballistic missile and was given an interference call.

It was pretty much a blatant attempt to prevent Flores from scoring a possible heat winning score. And in the confines of the current rules setup, De Souza was entitled to do so. Kelly burnt Joel in last year’s final at Snapper, and what Adriano did, even though more flagrant, was essentially the same move. The rules allow it, so we can’t hang guys up who use it to their favour no matter how much it runs against the grain of what surfing is and should be.

What really appeals to me is our next stop at Margaret River. There’s no competitive surfing event with a stronger history of interference calls in it, than Margs. Imagine seeing Adriano and Jeremy line up in another round three battle there? It’ll be handbags at 10-paces.

I watched the webcast for Owen Wright’s heat like I did for his previous heat. I was keen to see how many more times Joey Turpel was going to call him Owen Wilson. I can’t imagine any scenario where that will ever get old. Unfortunately Owen lost while holding onto the day's highest individual wave score - 9.73.

Joel pulled curtains on the day and put Slater on notice with his power turns and tube sense. Kelly can beat Joel at Kirra, but I think Joel’s chances of beating Kelly go up tenfold at Snapper. No one has the place wired like Joel does, not even Mick. Joel sits behind the rock and he can pick the better waves like no other human out there can, and for me that’s good enough to make him the man to beat.

I’d expect we’d crown a girls champ tomorrow and get round four and five out of the way for the men and maybe even the quarters if time permits. I still can’t fathom we are dealing with the momentum busting round four heats. To go to non-elimination after two rounds of elimination just seems like a royal waste of precious swell window.

Running the girls and the men together is a hard ask, unless the waiting period is extended. The only reason they run the men and women’s comp side-by-side is to save money. Piggybacking the women into the already existing men’s structure, saves money, and lots of it. If we’re going to run both, why not compromise and extend the waiting period by four or five days? Expecting to run 27 women’s heats and 51 men’s heats in any 12-day period at any location in the world and expecting it to pump for the duration is the definition of ambitious.

For all the money and professionalism being injected into the competitive side of surfing, it seems wildly outrageous they would still leave so many variables up for chance by using the same old format for the running of heats. I’d love to see some tweaks and restructuring going forward.

Lets not just put lipstick on this pig. Let’s give her a bath and cut her toenails while we’re at it.