Jokes

You had to be there...

Knock knock

A rollerblader walks into a bar

dumb cunt.

e wrote:

The Darwins are out. Yes, it's that time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

No. 4 is excellent.

Joss.

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*Here is the glorious winner:*
*
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.*
;
And now, the honorable mentions:
;
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also
lost a finger..

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The chef's claim was approved.
;
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
;
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
;
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. W hen asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
was hit.
;
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer... $15.

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[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]
;
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
;
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."
;
9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash.

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The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
;
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he
bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.
;
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends
and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.
;
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce

e wrote:

Very funny, but I am afraid this is a hoax. See here:

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/darwin05.asp

Sorry to spoil the fun,

e wrote:

I've been following the Darwin Awards for a while.
Are you saying the whole thing is a scam? The chap
who tied weather balloons to his chair, etc.

e wrote:

This is what is says on that Snopes.com page:

Contrary to common belief, there is no panel of distinguished judges
weighing each potential Darwin Award entry then sagely reaching agreement
as to which deserves an official accolade. Darwin Awards e-mails have
been circulating on the Internet at least since May 1991, with the
earliest e-mails and newsgroups posts of this nature setting before
posterity inventive works of fiction that had been labeled by their
authors as true accounts of actual deaths. Years after the term "Darwin
Award" was being used in connection with text descriptions of deaths by
misadventure, a number of web sites sprung up to archive the variety of
Darwin Award tales then in circulation. Those sites not only collected
the fictional offerings then making the online rounds but also on their
own dug up numerous true accounts of death by stupidity, thus building a
vast body of such tales, some true and some not. While other sites have
since faded into obscurity, one has emerged as the clear winner:
http://www.DarwinAwards.com

It seems the balloon guy was real, but he did not die in the incident (in
1982), so would not have been eligible for the Darwin Award.

e wrote:

And the 2010 favourite on Darwinawards.com is real and well worth a watch:
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2010-08.html

2 couples take a weekend holiday together, on the first night Paul and John get on the piss and decide they would like to swap wives for a night

They have a chat to the women and to there amazement the woman agree

Paul thinks he's onto to something because he knows his wife is on her periods
They decide that rather than say it out loud they would tap there spoon on the breakfast table to indicate the amount of times they had sex the night before

they sit down to have breakfast and Paul gently taps the table 3 times

John looks puzzeled for a moment then picks up his spoon.....and taps it twice on the jam jar and 3 times on the nutella.

Ha ha! Classic.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/robin-williams-his-5...

Had to chuck this in.

RIP.

Three dogs in a vet's waiting room, a Lab, a poodle & a great Dane.
After the manditory bum sniff & and working out who's boss, they started chatting about why they're in there.
The lab said 'well I'm getting old, real old, 16 next Christmas. Can't get out of bed, my bladder hasn't worked for awhile & now my bowels have given, up the family has decided it would be more humain to let me go... It's the end of the road.' 'that's no good' he others chipped in.
They asked the poddle 'Well my owners have two little shits of kids, always pulling my tail, poking me in the eyes, screaming in my ears, you know constant harassment. Well this morning I snapped & I bit one of them, that's it for me too.' 'Oh no, what a pity.' they muttered.
They looked at the Great Dane 'Well you see, I've got this female owner, 6'0" blonde swimwear model, and she was doing the house work in a little french maids outfit, you know, no knickers on and stuff & she bent over to dust the coffee table right in front of me. Well I've never had a thing for humans before, but I couldn't help myself, I just went the mount.' 'oh shit, looks like we are all on death row then' said the poodle.

'Oh no, I'm not getting put down, she's just getting them to clip my nails' he said with a sly grin.

My friend just sent me a txt to have a look at 'never trust webcam girls' on you tube

ha ha classic

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad..”
Dad said “Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this fucking family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”

The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

mothart wrote:

Three dogs in a vet's waiting room, a Lab, a poodle & a great Dane.
After the manditory bum sniff & and working out who's boss, they started chatting about why they're in there.
The lab said 'well I'm getting old, real old, 16 next Christmas. Can't get out of bed, my bladder hasn't worked for awhile & now my bowels have given, up the family has decided it would be more humain to let me go... It's the end of the road.' 'that's no good' he others chipped in.
They asked the poddle 'Well my owners have two little shits of kids, always pulling my tail, poking me in the eyes, screaming in my ears, you know constant harassment. Well this morning I snapped & I bit one of them, that's it for me too.' 'Oh no, what a pity.' they muttered.
They looked at the Great Dane 'Well you see, I've got this female owner, 6'0" blonde swimwear model, and she was doing the house work in a little french maids outfit, you know, no knickers on and stuff & she bent over to dust the coffee table right in front of me. Well I've never had a thing for humans before, but I couldn't help myself, I just went the mount.' 'oh shit, looks like we are all on death row then' said the poodle.

'Oh no, I'm not getting put down, she's just getting them to clip my nails' he said with a sly grin.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/woman-busted-selling-drugs-charged...

Just last week ^

Little johnny asks his dad if he could help with a school essay;
"What's the essay" asks dad.
Johnny says 'it's about the difference between potential and reality... I don't get it, dad"...

"Potential and reality?..Ok", says dad... "Go and find mum and ask her - if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to her if she slept with him, would she?"

So johnny finds mum and asks her the question...... Johnnys mum answers, "of course I would, johnny. 1 million dollars would set us up nicely"..

A bit shocked, he goes and tells dad of mums answer........ Dad says, "now go up to your big sisters room and ask her the same question....

So Johnny goes up to her room and says, "hey sis, if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to you if you slept with him, would you?"
His big sister says , "like totally! I'd even take a selfy with all that cash and put it on FB!!!"

Johnny goes back to dad shaking his head and says, "Yeah she would too, dad!"

"Ok, son, your big brother is in the garage working on his car... Go and ask him", says dad...

So little johnny goes out to the garage and asks his big bro'..... "hey, bro" says johnny, " if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to you if you slept with him, would you?"..... His brother laughed and said, " hell yeah johnny!. I could buy a v8, go to Europe, and move into my own house!"....

Shocked, little johnny goes back to dad and tells him "yeah he would too, dad"...

"Well", says dad, "there you go. That's the difference between potential and reality"...

"What do you mean, dad", asks johnny....

Dad replies...... "You see, son. This family has the potential to make make 3 million dollars, but in reality, all we have is 2 sluts and a fuckn faggott.......

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.

What do you do when a bird shits on your car windscreen.....?

Don't ask her out again!

zenagain wrote:

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.

HAHAHAHHA .... is he the mummy or the daddy?

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

An American then sat next to the same muslim, Zen.... The yank was all jittery, sweating.... The muslim asked him, "what's wrong"?...... The yank said, "sorry buddy.. No offence but I feel nervous whenever I get on a plane and see one of you guys"...

The muslim said, "that's ok, I feel the same way about you when i'm sitting in a class at Uni' or at a picture theatre"....

My wife bet me that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

I invited my Muslim neighbours over for a good ol Aussie BBQ
Halfway thru I told the husband that his wife had been unfaithfull with lots of other men

But she was a loving honest wife and had not commited adultery

But he sure made short work of re arranging my rock garden for me ?

shoredump wrote:

My wife bet me that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

Like. Udon good. Keep ramen em down our throat.

What did the fish say when it swam into the big concrete wall...?

Dam...

I hope you like that one cause the guys I work with have no sense of humor. I put superglue on a co-workers pen and he still hasn't let it go.

Just had my yearly prostrate examination
I said to the doctor when he finished fuck that was way more painfull than I expected
Dave he said "Old habits die hard"
What do you mean by that I said ?

I used to be a Ventriloquist he replied.

Udo did you move your mouth at the same time with no sound...!

Did you know the US gunslinger Davy Crockett actually had 3 ears........?
Yes he had a left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier.

udo wrote:

Just had my yearly prostrate examination
I said to the doctor when he finished fuck that was way more painfull than I expected
Dave he said "Old habits die hard"
What do you mean by that I said ?

I used to be a Ventriloquist he replied.

The last time I had my prostrate exam I was a little worried; during the examination I noticed the doc had both his hands on my shoulders!

floyd wrote:

udo wrote:

Just had my yearly prostrate examination
I said to the doctor when he finished fuck that was way more painfull than I expected
Dave he said "Old habits die hard"
What do you mean by that I said ?

I used to be a Ventriloquist he replied.

The last time I had my prostrate exam I was a little worried; during the examination I noticed the doc had both his hands on my shoulders!

great stuff- nice to c some humour at the moment

My grandpa has the heart of a lion.

Also a lifetime ban from Taronga zoo.

There has been a bit of chat on the forums lately around Killer Whales off South Oz, which leads me to ask ya'll -

How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers.

Here he is!

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Man walks into the doctor and says "doc I just pulled a lettuce leaf out of my bum!"

The doc closely inspects his anus and says "mate I've got some bad news.... That lettuce leaf you mentioned, well that was just the tip of the iceberg!"

Bahahahaha! Best one yet!

I'm hopeless with jokes - can only remember one...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick
(terrible I know)

I was invited to go on a rollerblading holiday with my friends so I made a list of things I need.

1. New friends.

An elderly couple are at the doctors for a check up.

The elderly woman is deaf as a door post.

The doctor finishes the examination and says "Mr and Mrs Jones come back next week I want to do a urine, faeces and semen test".

Mrs Jones yells out "what?"

The doctor repeats "Come back next week I want to do a urine, faeces and semen test".

Mrs Jones yells out "what did you say?"

Frustrated Mr Jones turns to his wife and screams out "the doctor wants to see us next week and you have to bring your pyjamas"

Sheepdog wrote:

Little johnny asks his dad if he could help with a school essay;
"What's the essay" asks dad.
Johnny says 'it's about the difference between potential and reality... I don't get it, dad"...

"Potential and reality?..Ok", says dad... "Go and find mum and ask her - if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to her if she slept with him, would she?"

So johnny finds mum and asks her the question...... Johnnys mum answers, "of course I would, johnny. 1 million dollars would set us up nicely"..

A bit shocked, he goes and tells dad of mums answer........ Dad says, "now go up to your big sisters room and ask her the same question....

So Johnny goes up to her room and says, "hey sis, if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to you if you slept with him, would you?"
His big sister says , "like totally! I'd even take a selfy with all that cash and put it on FB!!!"

Johnny goes back to dad shaking his head and says, "Yeah she would too, dad!"

"Ok, son, your big brother is in the garage working on his car... Go and ask him", says dad...

So little johnny goes out to the garage and asks his big bro'..... "hey, bro" says johnny, " if the postman knocked on the door and had 1 million dollars, and said he'd give it to you if you slept with him, would you?"..... His brother laughed and said, " hell yeah johnny!. I could buy a v8, go to Europe, and move into my own house!"....

Shocked, little johnny goes back to dad and tells him "yeah he would too, dad"...

"Well", says dad, "there you go. That's the difference between potential and reality"...

"What do you mean, dad", asks johnny....

Dad replies...... "You see, son. This family has the potential to make make 3 million dollars, but in reality, all we have is 2 sluts and a fuckn faggott.......

Gold sheepio well said champ;)

A couple were getting married the next day, and started going for it for the last time as unweds.
The bloke gets comfy as she starts going down on him, gee she gave good blowies, knew all the tricks, part of the reason they where getting hitched.
As he kicks back with a big exhale he thinks,
"how lucky am I.., locking this stuff in for life"
While all she can think is,
"Thank fuck I never have to do this again"

just saw snow white waiting outside the photo shop......... waiting for her prints to come....

A travelling salesman broke down on a lonely country lane and was stuck in a huge storm. In the distance he saw a light and proceeded to fight through the howling wind and lashing rain in the hope of using the phone.

He finally makes it to the front door of a small cottage and knocks. It's answered by an old farmer. The salesman asks if he can use the phone. The farmer said 'I am a poor widower and can't afford a phone but you're welcome to come in and have some hot soup. Also, you can stay the night if you like but because we are so poor, you'll have to share one bed with my three, sixteen year old sons'.

The salesman replied, 'You're very kind and thank-you but I must be going.' 'But why?' said the farmer.

'I think I'm in the wrong joke' said the salesman.

A bloke was at hells gates, sobbing his eyes out when Satan comes out to greet him.....

"What are you so sad about", asks satan?

The guy says, "I'm going to spend eternity in hell.... Boo hooo hooo!!!!!"

"Ohh cheer up mate", says satan..... "Look.... Do you like gambling?"

"(sob sob sob) Yeah... (sob sob).... I don't mind a punt", said the guy...

Satan replies, "oh well you're gonna love mondays.... Monday is gambling day!! We've got pay tv, all the races around the world, a casino, we give you an account with a million bucks, and if you lose it all, it doesn't matter.. We give you a new account the following monday"!!!!

"WOW!!!!" says the dude.... "That sounds unreal"!!!

"See", says satan... "It aint that bad.... Now do you like getting wasted"?

"Hell yeah!!!" arcs up the dude... "I love getting smashed"!!

"Mate, you're gonna love Tuesdays", says satan... "Tuesday is "get wasted day"..... All the piss you can drink... Bands.... Free party bongs, smack, coke, ice, whatever you want.. And if you o.d, it doesn't matter,,, You're already dead!!!!"

"No fuckn way!!!!!" says the dude, as a big grin breaks out...." Hell doesn't sound that bad after all...."

"See..... I told you" says satan...... "Now, do you like gay sex?"

"Shit no", says the dude....

"Ohh well, you're gonna hate wednesdays", says satan......

Classic!

;) x2

Old farmer joke....

A young bull and an old bull are standing on top of a hill overlooking a vast herd of cows.

The young bull says "let's race down there and fuck a couple of em!"

The old bull replies, in his infinite wisdom "no lets walk down there and fuck all of them!"

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I think there's a piece of lettuce protruding out of my bum."

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and proceeds to examine him.

The man asks: "Well, is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies:

"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Why hasn't New Zealand made it to the moon yet?

Not enough scaffold.

A woman lost in New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking her own breast milk..........

Your turn Bear Grylls ?

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able
to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits..”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”