Jokes
"Talk to me."
Yanks having a Royal Dig
The Two Ronnies, cant beat em.
udo wrote:
Udo, what the f did you do.
So I did the 16 minutes then slid into the rabbit hole of more YouTube, wikipedia, Google all the way to uuurgh Reddit. 2 hours and 51 minutes later....
She is a classic thanks for the intro.
I love comedians. My go to is Bill Burr. Can't go a week without some Monday Morning Podcast or BillBert pod action.
From the hallowed pages of Viz:
Constance B Gibson wrote:Scott Morrison flies into a remote country town for a photo op. He asks locals if he can do anything for them.
"Well yes," says the mayor. "We have two problems. First, we have a hospital but no
doctor right now.""Right," says the PM, who whips out his phone, talks for a couple of minutes, then says: "Fixed it. A new doctor will be here on Monday. What's your second problem?"
"We have no mobile phone coverage."
#LiarFromTheShire
That’s actually pretty fucken funny.
Ha.
As we’re in a time of Anglophone and Francophone misunderstanding:
Winston and Clementine Churchill are hosting the De Gaulles, Charles and Yvonne, at Checkers for the weekend.
After dinner, they’re all sitting in the drawing room.
Charles takes a sip of his cognac, draws deeply on his Gauloise, and says, “Winston, I ‘av somezing to say. You know, I ‘av saved ze world from ze Nazis, zat is one zing - but ‘ow is it zat I can govern a country which ‘as two ‘undred and forty-six varee-ay-tays of cheezes? I tell you, c’est impossible! Winston, I am going to reetire. I ‘av ‘ad eenuff!”
The Churchills are stunned by this bombshell.
Winston leans back in his leather chair, takes a big gulp of scotch, inhales deeply on his cigar and says, “My dear boy”.
The four then lapse into silent contemplation.
Clementine Churchill, ever the gracious host, leans towards her counterpart and breaks the silence, “Yvonne, tell me, what are you most looking forward to in the quiet years ahead?”
Without hesitation Madame de Gaulle replies, “A penis.”
The Churchills are shocked, embarrassed. Is this some twisted Gallic bohemian idea of polite after dinner talk? Outrageous!
Le grand Charles clears his throat, leans towards his wife and says, “Ma Cherie, I zink you ‘ave wanted to say - ‘apeeness.”
Reminded me of this one Roker. Funnier when told in a Scottish accent-
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I couldn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interrupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of fighter airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Aye, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Och aye Zen. Ha ha. Slàinte Mhath!
Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says, "Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your asshole."
Top tips!
I chuckled Stu...a real funeral fiesta that'd be! *shakes maracas*
an oldie that makes me laugh...
what do you call a psychic dwarf that has escaped custody?
a small medium at large
Not unlike a good steak pun:
A rare medium well done.
My 92 year old mum told me this one last week.
She said she was walking along the street and there was a dog sitting in the gutter licking his balls, just then a dirty old homeless man man with rotten teeth walked past and said with a grin.. " Ha ha wish I could do that." To which my mum replied
" Well I suppose its O.K. as long as the dog doesn't mind."
You know why dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.
(Old dog- love that joke but know the punchline as- "don't you think you should pat him first?")
How about this old one.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom....
One snatches watches........
What’s the difference between a mounted policeman and a lost golf ball?
One’s a hunt on a course…
Spoonerisms rock.
They say 1 in 5 people are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family. It could be my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Chan-Chi Ying. But I reckon it's Colin.