Local caaarrnt’s existence vindicated
TOONALOOK POINT, EAST COAST OZ: Local piece of work and Total Caaarrnt Barry Cornell is tonight celebrating the validation of thirty years of effort and commitment.
The glorious moment finally came mid-morning at the Toonalook Point carpark with the arrival of a Hiace Van bearing interstate numberplates.
Ordinarily, Cornell’s furious demands for the intruder to Fark Orf would be a source of muted embarrassment for other Toona surfers, but today, Cornell’s animated zero-tolerance stance on outsiders was seen in a new light – that of standing up for the vulnerable and slowing the curve.
“I used to think Baz’ relentless low-level thuggery was a result of his barely concealed self-loathing, but all along, it turns out this Total Caaarrnt knew something we didn’t!” says a young admirer.
“For every outsider run out of town, that’s one more ICU bed saved for someone’s grandma.
“I mean, how the fuck Barry was aware of this danger since the early ’90s, how he saw it coming… we’re talking next level Nostradamus shit right here.”
For his part, Cornell tells Ding Alley he’s humbled by the recognition.
“People wrote me off as an Absolute Caaarrnt for years but this just goes to show: follow your dreams, do what makes you happy. And what makes me happy is telling anyone I don’t recognise to Fark Right Orf…
“People used to tell me I lacked perspective on the actual reality of real human suffering, and so – if I had even half an inkling – I’d be that fucken grateful for having the astonishing fortune of health, energy and time to set foot in the ocean, I’d be giving waves away to anyone and everyone, such would be the joyous emancipation from my ego-based self-constructed prison of resentment.
“Now the very same crew who sprayed me with that lefty bullshit are home with the kids making signs urging outtatowners to stay away.
“They’re doing it as a home-schooling family art project! They’re using glitter and everything!
“I’m not one to get emotional but it’s enough to make this Total Caaarrnt’s heart burst with pride.”
When it was put to Cornell that while it was absolutely prudent to put the brakes on unnecessary travel – and decent people had every right to actively minimise needless exposure from frivolous and entitled visitors – it wouldn’t be the first time a Total Caaarrnt had wrapped his or her self in the opportunistic cloak of morality and faux outrage, our hero narrowed his eyes and asked your correspondent, “how long you been living here again fella?”
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is two old mates from Footscray TAFE: cartoonist David McArthur is currently fingerpainting in his Melbourne loft and is not to be disturbed; North Coast-based writer Murdoch has given up, and is probably eating.
Comments
Epic. Maybe best yet ?
Thanks fellas.
Haha excellent
Gold.
Thursday, 14th May 2020
Local caaaarnt celebrated as town hero.
Total caaaarnt Barry Cornell is being celebrated as a hero in the town of Toonalook Point, after telling some backpackers in a HiAce van to faark right off last month. Epidemiologists tracking the van that has infected half of the southern NSW coast, noted a lack of infections in the sleepy backwater, and began investigation.
"I'm normally a level headed bloke, but these caarnts, they looked dodgy. So I ran them out of town," a proud Barry bellowed over the phone, whilst being toasted in the local RSL.
"He's a true hero," said Mavis Applethwaite, "but we can't stop now. Look what's happened to the rest of the coast. You reporters can faaark right off too, back to where you come from."
Oh, Baz was a hero well before those smarmy epidemiologist Caaarrnts came along to state the fricken obvious.
Classic, he's my hero. Never has it been such a poignant time to call it out as it is, still people think it's allright to move between states eh, wtf
Right over someone's head...
so true
There used to be a Bazza at nearly every local back in the day. Now they're an endangered species making a comeback in a time of need.... a bit like manufacturing.
Walrus would be having a field day, best day in his life
Stu
Reckon you could get Rod Cunthorpe on board for a SN monthly update?. I can put you in touch with him very easily. I reckon between Ding Alley and Rod they can provide some much needed laughs
Haha classic. I'm going to get some glitter and make a sign!
Peter Dutton's love child.
Good work, we all need a laugh. No chance of the irony being lost either by the looks of things. The home school projects around here are all rainbows and unicorns, may need to spread the message.
Hahaha! Definitely best one yet... gold
Hmmm - it's funny cos its true.
As a CBD based surfer, I've spent my whole surfing life wanting to be considered a local. I bought custom boards from the local surf shop, wore local surf gear, worked a the local pub and the surf shop, even joined the local boardriders club.
Never fully legit though. Not fully accepted.
So I saved my pennies and bought a shack right on the beach.
Can't get more local than that, I figured.
Surf there every weekend and every school holidays.
Teaching my two kids to surf there, riding local boards, and wearing local gear.
Who am I kidding - we're still not locals...
20 years to forgive you for coming
20 years to accept you
paraphrasing Peter Andrews...
It was way worse in my old man's day, and I think bitterly disappointed him after being a cosmopolitan, internationally jet setting young man and working in some of the biggest cities in the world. He got to experience entire villages yelling at him when he was there to help them...
Don't think I'll be accepted as a local, but then I wasn't in the place I grew up either. So no loss. When the Yr 7 graduation speech by the dux student turns into who is a local and who isn't, lols.
However, Barry's is a very good strategy to preserve a local population in a pandemic.
In the 1880s most people in English villages had directly descended from those there since Saxon times, and it was rare to venture 10 miles to the next, so much so that dialects between villages were distinct. That sort of approach stops viruses getting too far.
This article is a classic example of the scourge of homeschooling. As a past teacher at Toonalook Elementary I'm not surprised by the abhorrent spelling on show.
'Fark'
'Orf'
'Caaaaaarrnt'
Back in my day, each misspelt word would be twenty lines down the board, then six of the best and watch your potty mouth, but now parents encourage phonetic self expression rather than the tried and true rote indoctrination.
For shame.
D D Kahanamoku,
Toonalook Heights
Oh, Miss DDK, you always were a pedant, but you were a pedant with a kind heart and a genuine passion for education, and that's why us kids loved being in your classes. Many years have passed since grade three: your auburn hair may now be grey; those bell bottoms have probably been replaced by sensible elasticised slacks; your lilywhite complexion now mottled from decades of netball coaching under the harsh Toonalook sun... but you'll forever be my – and many other classmates I'm sure – first and most profound crushes.
I'll always treasure that time, an innocent era before the cruel spectre of compulsive wanking took hold of us all in grade six.
We need a few more Barry's at every Tweed coast beach car park atm....
The current QLD border crossing restrictions are a joke, it's one-way traffic from the Gold "COVID" coast to the Tweed.
It's a shame none of those cane-toads are heeding the travel warning posted on SN's surf reports.
I hear you mate. You should see Cooly too, absolutely full of Brisso hipsters with no leggies this week. I'm sure you're seeing it too. Can't we just build a Trump wall at the Nerang River? And all the van campers at Tweed/Cooly can faaaaark off too.
I wish that first wave of boat arrivals could fuck right off.
The lot of them, and their descendants, will forever and always be blow-ins.
Sovereignty Never Ceded.
Always Was, Always Will Be.
[-o-]
Mine is a tribe of the sea.
Always was, always will be.
https://aiatsis.gov.au/news-and-events/news/overturning-aqua-nullius-sec...
Honestly, they would do a better job of water management than the current mix of enviro legislation and corporate hoarding and private dams etc. Their understanding of floodplain ecology is very good. I don't think that book will get them a multi-thousand year history of shipbuilding, though.
Rumour has it that board riders are going to start shutting down local surf spot car parks and only let club members past/in to help keep numbers for social distancing
Back to the 70's biffo.
Someone bring Johnno back from the south south coast.
All hail the SPB!!!
Oh, he's here in spirit, make no mistake.
Not the way to go, socialiseing rsl to bask in glory? how many locals travel to other communities and back for employment? i still see cars full of crew in soz NO social distanceing, locals gossipping in cprks, oh and rsl now as well?
Please fess up this story is fiction ?.
Hey happyppl – yeah mate the article is entirely fictional. Just a bit of satirical silliness really! Cheers.
Gold. Tho looking in the comments it seems some have missed the point.
Sorry 4 triple entry not good at technology
What's Spanish for "Barry"?
https://edition.cnn.com/2020/04/03/europe/zahara-de-la-sierra-coronaviru...
"The fortress town of Zahara de la Sierra in southern Spain is used to fending off enemies. The Moors and Christians fought over it in medieval times, and it was sacked by the French in 1812. Now its formidable position high above the Andalusian countryside has suddenly become an invaluable asset once more.
On March 14, Zahara cut itself off from the outside world as a dangerous coronavirus spread its tentacles across Spain. The mayor, 40-year-old Santiago Galván, decided to block all but one of the town's five entrances. Galván acted the day that Spain's "state of alarm" came into force."
...
"In Zahara, however, there has not been a single recorded case of Covid-19 among its 1,400 inhabitants. "It has been more than two weeks, and I think that's a good sign," Galván told CNN.
The mayor's drastic steps have the full support of the townspeople, and especially the elderly. Nearly a quarter of Zahara's inhabitants are older than 65; there are more than 30 residents in an old people's home. Towns and villages nearby have seen infections and several coronavirus fatalities."
Whaddaya know? It works.
If only this virus hit low IQ rather than old age...a few less dumb caaaarnt locals to idolise
Only thing is that it doesn't just hit old age, which is the message getting mangled: as of yesterday there were 69 doctors dead from it in Italy, and they weren't all old by any stretch. Sixty-fucking-nine. Doctors. With VIP tickets for treatment.
Just let that sink in.
some mental giants at "my" local sprayed go home tourist over the rocks and carpark - talk about shitting in your own nest!
A mate of mine from Raglan was in Portugal one time. He was walking down the rocks at Coxos when a local accosted him and said that he couldn't surf there. My mate reckons he told the guy "I'm from Raglan in New Zealand. There are surfers from Portugal visiting all the time and we let them surf, so I'm surfing here." Apparently the guy did a 180, and next thing they're getting invited to stay and afforded local rights. I think the local guy just assumed that my mate was from England or something. It was pretty faultless logic from my mate though.
Another time in the 90's a couple of Aussie mates of mine came over here for a few months. They were the most tin-arsed fuckers imaginable. Everywhere they went they scored epic waves. Anyway, at one stage they announced that they were headed up to Mahia. Mahia in case you don't know used to be the most localised spot in NZ. There used to be some seriously heavy dudes up there. Think Once Were Warriors. Pretty much no-go for out of town Kiwis if they paddled out. I tried to impress this fact on my friends, but they went anyway. After about four weeks of not hearing from them I was getting a bit worried. I figured they'd been murdered and were buried in someone's backyard. A couple of weeks later they returned, happy as Larry. It turns out that on their first day they had met the Eddie Rothman of Mahia, and managed to strike up a friendly conversation. Next thing they're in with the local crew and were treated like royalty for the next six weeks. They stayed at the head local's house and were treated as part of the family. Of course they had local privilege in the water as well. The farken' jammy cuuuuuuuunts!
Many years ago a girl was assaulted in the small time where I grew up. I was with a couple of local hoodlums when we heard who the alleged perpetrator was. After never showing any civic responsibility in their entire lives the hoodlums were filled with such a sense of injustice, that they had to go and find the perpetrator and beat the living shit out of him. Struck me at the time how a set of circumstances can easily be used to justify the exercising of a pre-existing aggressive compulsion... I suspect a lot of this goes on during war time, and quite possibly during a pandemic...
Spot on Basil. That pre-existing aggressive compulsion – as you so perfect;y put it – absolutely thrives when it can attach itself to a 'righteous' host.
Of coarse Barry or those of his ilk will surely still be carrying on long after the virus is just a memory.
HI everyone. I'm a vic local hospital doc. this virus scares the absolute shit out of me and everyone else that I work with around us. I've spent 3 weeks battle planning for our community with my colleagues, and we are not even certain if we have the gear to keep everyone alive. Please Please Please Please stay home. If you don't live here, don't drive here for a surf, if you don't live here, don't visit here for easter. Our most powerful weapon (and only one)against this virus is keeping away from each other and each others communities. Please help us healthcare workers to keep you all alive. Please share my plea of help.
Good call doc. Which hospital you at?
Geelong and Epworth Geelong.
Good on you drchris, thank you to your crew for keeping me alive when I was in big trouble. I still remember the names of my emergency docs, ICU staff, ambos, and the departments that managed me - and I'm praying for you guys, you are total angels.
I wish more crew would understand your message.
spot on!
I surf at Stanwell Park and surrounds. We have been inundated by eastern suburbs hipsters and their friends and dogs turning the beach into a Bondi or Maroubra. People everywhere! Which will result in ALL BEACHES being closed. Locals are up in arms, putting signs up asking politely for people to fuck off. Understandably. Surf was good but couldn’t enjoy it due to crowds. Think about other people and their lives! At least don’t all converge on the closest OPEN beach. You will ruin it for everyone! Mostly kooks who want a last surf before putting their boards away for winter. This is my exercise, as I quit running sports when I was 12 because of ankle problems and took up surfing and water polo. Maybe Gladys should open city beaches to surfers only, book people in the car park for not social distancing. Any surfer worth his salt doesn’t want anyone around them. If you want to socialise, go have a latte with your mates and stop spreading your disease.
ND ?
I’m stuck in a tiny Bondi apartment with a GF who entertains me for 30 minutes a day and annoys the shit out of me for the rest of the day.
So a trip down the coast looks pretty tempting. At least you get empty waves for the rest of the year.
More like 30secs mate.
Finally, a laugh......sighhhhhh.
If it's a girlfriend, consider yourself lucky buddy, surely you can get creative?? Well at least twice a day? Trust me, after being married for some time, you look at each other, shrug the shoulders and just stay bored, even when forced to self isolate ;)
A workmate the other day told me how married people hardly have sex. I told him that they are the divorced ones. Twenty years with my wife. Maybe you are Walk[ing] around [the] G [spot].
Ha,ha....clever, I liked that, maybe you're right..... Perhaps, you could share with us all some of your obviously far more advanced sexual skills, that way we can all benefit or at least try to find some reason to exist during this rediculous dictatorship/isolation crisis.
Obviously everyone got something different out of the piece which is great but for me the point was...
"it wouldn’t be the first time a Total Caaarrnt had wrapped his or her self in the opportunistic cloak of morality and faux outrage,"
Tongue in cheek for those of you pro-separatists banging on about keeping outsiders out.
Funny article, funny comments, particularly this one:
"...asking politely for people to fuck off."
I surfed with Barry Cornell today.
He’s older , fatter and balder than in the photo.
I was surfing a 1-2 ft peak which was rolling fun on a foamie. I’d found it after driving 3/4 of the way up a very long beach next to where I’m staying. Surfing solo I was a bit surprised but not too annoyed when Barry drove up the beach from the other direction and started surfing the other side of the peak I was on.
Perfect day. Cloudless blue sky , not a breath of wind and the water was like a crystal clear, warm water swimming pool.
Thought I’d share my opinion on our good fortune to be free from harm under such beautiful conditions , yelling from a safe distance , when Barry told me off because I’d driven to the surf. I was a bit surprised at this as Barry had driven to the peak himself.
When I mentioned this , Barry said that it was different for him because it was his end of the beach. I had a bit of a chuckle at this and Barry proceeded to sulk and ignore me for the duration of his surf.
Good times.
The world needs more Barrys ......said no one ever.
Barry , if you’re out there , Try a smile . You’re already ugly enough and that triple chin perma- frown ain’t doing you any favours.
yes well done to the writers , love your work.
Bazza should be commended for his vigilance and consistency in tackling these issues.
Bazza,s cousin Wazza lives in my shire and he's been doing a really good job at arcing up at caaaarnts who been travelling to and from their holiday/weekenders from the big smoke. He reckons he's totally off these faaarkin 'semi local' blow in caaarnts and let one of them know about it as he was casually vacuuming his Audi in the driveway.
To be balanced he is going after some locals , mainly the unusually high amount of P platers flaunting traffic regulations in their parents car lately. After being tailgated all the way to the carpark Wazza felt the need to educate our less experienced friend with a clip to the ear while informing him about the social distancing rules of the road and that he was a. "faaaarking annoying wannabe boy racer who couldn't drive a nail into a bucket of water". Wazza understands our hospitals don't need to be clogged up with car accident victims right now , and is just doing his bit ,," someones gotta tell these faaarkin clowns" as the boy racer decided going for a paddle right now may not be good idea ,.
Any truth that Baz has forced himself into self isolation after fears of retribution from somewhat fitter locals who aren't impressed with the exposure this has given to what is arguably the best kept secret spot on the east coast?
Last seen buying 3 cartons of VB at the Bottlo.
We'll do our best to find out, TS...
my pet hate is those fuuuuuken SUPS i think they need to fuuuuk off and paddle some where else
So good!
I don’t get empty waves, even down here. Very rare. The explosion of people was totally unexpected, but had an inclination it might happen, just not to that extent. Cronulla doesn’t get the NE swell, so they were all here as well, and other beaches down this way. National park (Garie) closed. The perfect storm, so to speak. Now I just try and pick my times and go to quieter places, even though it means lesser quality waves. I thought I was picking my time by waiting for the lunchtime lull. But...mmm. A few locals did the same and the crowd thinned to about 10 within half hour, but the surf also turned to shit. Said locals were very upset. I stayed away Sunday. They are in fear of their beach being closed. Like I said, keep them open for surfers Only maybe. It’s the beach goers who have no idea what the surf is like...”oh, it’s a sunny warm day” might dust off the board and shit! We’ll have to go south!” The encroaching cold weather may save our beaches being closed. I understand the need to surf, just gotta think about it. Go alone.We know that we’re not going to spread anything putting on a wetsuit, walking to water, surfing, then going straight home. It’s the day trippers hanging around on the beach because they’ve driven so far that makes it look bad to the decision makers. “Oh fuck! Close that beach, quickly! Fuck it, close em all.” My worst fear at the mo. 1st world problems eh! Make a few sacrifices and some wise choices and we’ll be sweet. Maybe
Build a wall? wait... build shitloads of walls?
Hahaha! Perfect.
In breaking news, the town of Toonalook Point, NSW, has been made sister city of the Italian town of Vo Euganeo, Italy. The mayor said it was time for the coastal village to enter the world stage.
"Well, they're a long way away, and they're a bit different, but we can see that we share similar values and common sense. Hoo roo!" said mayor Duncan Morgan.
some creative writing would be fantastic!
Cant travel anywhere, and no Bells Beach comp to speak of. What are all the "surf journalists" up to? Thought there might be an article following the wsl's economic demise due to current virus situation. Maybe a story on how this has affected pro surfers, and or the surf industry, how will they bounce back from this!? Will pro surfers have to start smoking pot again due to lockdown restrictions?