An Open Letter to Ding Alley from Local Soul Guy Shane Reid
Dear Ding Alley,
Though your schoolyard humour and year-10 level creative-writing occasionally delivers a vaguely interesting perspective on the coastal zeitgeist, it remains a welcome fact any resonance a Ding Alley piece might hold evaporates the moment the next Tim Bonython clip lands on the Swellnet home page.
By the time Tim’s doing his pre-dawn piece to camera, you’re forgotten.
With this in mind, I’m not sure if its wise to hold you to account for your recent ‘Local Surfer Has No Idea What Long Twin Fin Doing Under Arm’ article – because criticising it will only give oxygen to something that deserves to sink into the archives like a stone.
But here’s the thing, Ding, you need to be called out on this one. Usually your gear’s harmless enough – I quite enjoyed that piece you wrote about me back in the day, but this latest article reveals a mean-spirited ignorance that blinds you to one of the finer points of this whole surfing caper.
You make the argument that because these long-railed twin fins can be tricky to surf, and that even the fellows peddling them appear to struggle sometimes, that this invalidates these boards, and renders anyone riding ‘em a mug who’s fallen for some fairly low-grade marketing hype.
I could take the low road here, Murdoch, and ask how YOUR surfing's going? I’ve seen you, with your Steven Hawking back arm and reflex barrel-avoidance.
(You’re excused, Macca, I have no quarrel with you, old man, I know you go alright.)
But rather than stoop to your level, Ding Alley, let me instead ask – oh self-appointed arbiter of surfing hardware – at what length, exactly, does a twin fin go from being acceptable to the object of ridicule in your eyes?
What’s that you say? It varies from surfer to surfer?
Well that’s interesting, isn’t it..?
Here’s an analogy that might help you begin to understand.
So, the pro’s shooters, they’re your Formula One cars: fine-tuned to burn round the track like nobody’s business. All fast-twitch stuff. And if you think the pros are ripping on the webcast, they’re going twice as fast and critically in real life. It’s astounding. Good for them.
Us mortals, well, we’ve got our SUVs, sedans, hatches: more variety, choice, and quality than ever before in the vehicles we use to drop the kids off at school, do grocery runs, commute. We lumber to our feet, sensibly drive to conditions, maybe get a bit squirrely down the back road if there’s no cars or roos around.
We’ve got our twin-fin fishes, our quaddies, and Thrusters with a bit of meat in ‘em. A look in anyone’s Ments-trip triple-board bag tells a fairly common story: the go-to sandwiched between the step-up and the lil’ guy for the fun days.
Coming back to the laboured car analogy and the long-railed twinny, well, that’s your hotted-up ice-cream van right there.
Picture the Great Ocean Road, that glorious, scenic, winding motherfucker. You can drive your auto SUV or sedan from, say, Lorne to Apollo Bay and be all brake, accelerator, brake, accelerator, brake, accelerator, the whole way. Nicely insulated, climate control. Safe, sensible, maybe feeling edgy ‘cos you’re listening to a Joe Rogan podcast or something.
But if you want to actually DRIVE that road. If you want to FEEL the thing, you want an old-school VW Kombi, or an ancient Bug you have to pump the brakes on. You want the windows down, a co-pilot packing cones, perhaps, and an old favourite album you haven’t heard for ages blaring at top volume, ‘cos the sound system’s worth more than the rest of the vehicle.
NOW you’re driving! You’re in constant calculations of weight, resistance, and velocity. Every time you gear down into the curves, and every time you power up through and out of them, is a chance to do it more smoothly, efficiently, and artistically than the last time. (If you’re in a Kombi, the rattling in the cutlery drawer is your smoothness gauge.) That old van might require more out of you, but that’s the point! You’re completely engaged in the drive. What looks like nursing those turns is actually pushing it hard as you can.
100 percent there’s an artistry and pleasure to driving that road in a legit, eccentric old manual that you’ll never come close to with a sensible auto.
With modern rocker templates and machine-shape repeatability, a good, long-railed Twinny, that’s your hotted-up Ice Cream Van – it’ll fang down the straights, you’ve got half a ton of gelato and rum ‘n’ raisin in the freezer, so you’ll need a deft touch into the S-turns, and if you want to throw in a bit of a soul arch or jazz hands, well, that’s the equivalent of playing Greensleeves at full volume through the loudspeaker mounted on the roof, just because you can.
It’s a free world, Vive la différence, so knock yourself out!
// SHANE REID
(Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur, and writer Gra Murdoch)
Comments
For some reason that triggers an image of Jules from Pulp Fiction...
" oh you were finished...well allow me to retort..."
Amen brother!
Just ride whatever you want cos the haters are gonna hate.
Peace and rainbow swirl.
Meh... I’ve drive vw’s in my youth, and tried a retro old merc in my thirties which I regretted the same day I bought it - same with the single speed bike I bought 10 years ago, stoopid decision ... I’m UNpersuaded by just about every utterance from Shano soul guy - I have more fun riding something that amplifies my limited abilities to the maximum, don’t see the fun in wrestling with something that makes it more difficult - but each to their own
Yeah but rum n' raisin.
Touche' Shane
Ding Alley going meta.....I love it.
Wonder if Toonalook will go Full Being John Malkovich and there’s a portal into Elo’s body behind the freezer in the Hotted Up Ice Cream van when it shows up in the back beach carpark?
Baz Cornell stumbles into the vortex after searching for remnant waffle cone crumbs and wakes up as a millionaire learner kook riding his electric bike to a meeting on how to up the woke-ante at WSL headquarters.
Never sure if "Twinnie Evangelists" are trying to convince me or themselves? Always suspicious that by lowering the performance capabilities of the board they convince themselves that they're 'ripping', but it's only relative to the craft and waves they're on.
Eliminate airs, vertical snaps, critical take-offs (and probably waves that have any real demands) and substitute them with cruising down the line, drawn out turns and sliding out the tail; who'd have thought that pushing water with 2 fins would be easier than 3!? Not saying it's not all in good fun, I'd happily do airs with jet-ski assist but would know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that I might not be quite as capable without the added petrol power. I'm essentially playing the game on 'easy' mode rather than 'expert' but would also own it for what it is. No need to dress it up in some sort of mystical zen connection between man and board, operating on a higher plane, while the rest of us are riding the wrong craft and trying to 'qualify for the 'WCT'. For some of us true satisfaction comes in the form of trying to get vertical, throw the fins, pop an air, drift the tail, sticking a critical take-off, the greater the difficulty, the greater the satisfaction when it comes together, quality over quantity. Cruising with mellow turns isn't going to cut it and I'll always know that I was doing better by going for less.
Ride whatever you want but call a spade a spade. Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
OK mate.... we get it ….you're a gun !!! Which heat are you in ?
Hit a nerve did I? As soon as anyone wants to actually better themselves and don't feel the need to ride alternative craft we're all suddenly competing for a spot on the tour, as mentioned above.
Nah.... I was just doing a community service and saying your post and its brags made you sound like a bit of a flog... that's all... keep puntin' those airs to your hearts content Italo
Definitely not trying to brag, although unfortunately can see how it can come across that way, would have thought that the bit about not being as capable to do an air without assist might have given it away. Point I was trying to make is that putting it together is all the sweeter when you've tried and failed so many times. For every mediocre turn I've done that felt good, I've bogged the rail 100x, but persist in trying to tie it all together.
Think I've just had some bad experiences with people trying to force alternative craft onto me and writing off thrusters as 'trying to qualify for the CT'. Fuck, definitely feel like a bit of a flog if it came across as a brag, apologies, just a fan of high performance surfing. Although I can't do it, aspire to get better and imagine some people are in the same boat despite time and age doing us no favours. Just hoping to progress while keeping as many variables equal in that progression. Again, apologies, have definitely let one or two people really sour my outlook on certain craft with their negativity and air of superiority towards what I want to ride; don't worry, the irony isn't lost on me on that one! Just lashing out from own experience rather than taking a breath and appreciating that most people don't give a shit what you ride.
Fair call-I respect your opinion and explanation and apologies from me...I've clearly been the wanker here... enjoy your surfing, we are all lucky to have it in whatever form. It takes a big person to respond how you have to my cheap shots and I have learned a lesson as cheesy as that sounds. Take care.
Your a class act yourself and appreciate the response. All the best, hope you catch a few pearlers and if you ever need me you can find me worshipping in the temple of Dane Reynolds!
*You're. Fuck...lol..all the best.
Cheers mate, you too
Love it when comments argy-bargy resolves respectfully and well. Ace.
Fuck that brought a tear to my eye.
baz cornell re discovering his ole single fin out the back shed lying next to his old MR twin,. sits misty eyed as he recalls stand out moments of his surfing life .
classic days before yuppies discovered toonalook and it turned into a destination and an investment oportunity .
orders large twin to counter the horde of tiny thruster try hards to rip on board too small for ability agressive newbies.
loves it. full power rail drives . right up baz's alley !
While that SUV ( and a lot of other good variants) will get you there safely with no qualms and a good amount of reliability; that free loving, “look at me” kombi is more likely to burst into flames, have its Brake’s fail and slam into someone’s “rear end”, as well as piss a whole lot of people off when it’s struggling to get up a moderate hill in 1st doing 10km in an 80km zone!
Just saying!
I tend to agree that some good surfers look a bit so so on them. But hey havent we all at some stage.
And thats a lot of wind Shane. Hope you are okay bro ? Is it really worth the time. Personally i would let it pass by. But you picked it to pieces and left the carcass rotting in the hot sun.
The surf landscape is changing. Its gonna suck when there are no more kooks in the water
Exactly joeyjojo , the idea of driving an old VW on any road doesn't thrill me at all.
Love the surfing view of the retro rider in the article. But as a slightly overweight late forties guy I feel very self conscious trying to make a retro board ride in an aesthetically pleasing way. I love it when it all comes together. But it is often as difficult as making a hps conform to the often shitty conditions I get to ride. I guess that is why the modern “ shortboard” is a hybrid for most of us. It takes a strong mind to persist with something that is inappropriate for the available conditions. After all, good surfing is a match of conditions, equipment and ability.
So how did Reidy get in touch with DA , an email from his commodore 64 and high speed 300bps dial up modem perhaps ?
A knock on the door at Ding Alley's modest Toona abode, and when we answered there was an envelope on the doormat.
I'm guessing if you didn't hear the VW backfiring when he pulled up he must have been on a stealthy old Malvern Star Dragster , another masterpiece of design and engineering .
Another ripper Gra, and you've definitely raised the bar stratospherically(is this a word?) above year 10 essays.
Thank you again.
I loved it with your added spice of the whole crossing dimensions thing when Shane R., a fictional character (or is he?), taunts you, a real person (or are you?) with the Tim B, a real person (yes he is real and a friend of mine) and his excellent clips comparison.
Onya Blowin above for noticing the same subtle but brilliant sci-fi/surf pros.
By any chance is there anyone who lives in Toona, dealing red and blue pills, whose name is an anagram of o-n-e, wears sunnies all day with a long black coat, and can dodge an untethered Hipster's long board, by doing a layback, drop wallet cutback "SIMULATION"?!
I'd love to have a dollar for every time I drove the Great Ocean Road fanging it, in the 70s and 80s, pretending that every turn was a slash off the top or a deep carving bottom turn.
A miracle I'm still alive. Thank you LORD.
As Dr.Phil says..."what was I thinkin". Oh the good old days, and yes I'm an old fart/nobody.
Finally, and in Shane R's defence, I forget who said it, but I fully agree with the sentiment, "the surfer in the water having the most fun is the best one out there!"
Damn the torpedos and every other non standard shaped surf craft.
God Bless and protect you guys
Another classic!!
Thanks.....
Screw the VW Kombi for road feel. Get in something like a Lancia Delta Integrale, or any other 80s sports car with proper direct suspension. Even an old Golf GTI.
But yeah, loved the Meta DA.
Good one Shane strikes me as a young fella and the clapped out Ford transit ice cream truck will be his cheapie. The retro Combi would cost as much as a Porsche these days. Some of the beasts that I drove when I was a kid were a real handfull but did fully engage the senses even the hearing when listening for any minor variation to the usual motor and other mechanical noises which might spell the end at least for that trip. The great thing about surfing is that the vehicle is still reasonably cheap no moving parts and has designs which pretty much match every need. Sorry Shane I’ll go for function first.
Learned to drive in my brothers Kombi in 1977. I had a habit back then of pushing in the clutch when I was turning a corner. Freaked my brother out, I still have the memory of him going berserk when I did it, only to do it again on the next turn. Years later we used to see how slow you could drive and still flip one on it's side.
I sold mine because I had a mate who got killed in a head on in one. He was on his way to pick up his kids Christmas presents. On the other side of the highway a meth-head pulled aside a parked cop car with cops in it, winds down his window, spits at the cops, and takes off. The cops go to chase him and after a short while he just drove onto the wrong side of the highway straight into Gus. The local paper had a front page shot of the Kombi, roof caved in, steering wheel with a big bend in it, whole front opened up like a can. I couldn't drive mine after that. The meth-head walked from Court, schitzo off his meds was his defence.
My neighbour runs a hire a kombi business, he's got a fleet of them plus about 30 kombis and beetles in his front yard. If you live on the Bellarine in Vic. you probably know the 'Kombi Farm'. His business is booming, the yuppies love it.
They are dangerous shit boxes I reckon, with Nazi heritage.
Had a 77 micro bus whose only means of lighting the road ahead was to physically pull back the high beam switch.
Friday night, heading south, Kyuss at full noise, boys gurgling in the back on the bean bags, mid straight driver swaps, whilst delicately handing over the high beam stick..
Certainly not the best times of my life but noteworthy and high times none the less.
Gra after a week of solid self questioning, and consideration of selling my as yet to be collected twin pin, before it had even been ridden, you have now perfectly re-joined the dots, and allowed me to sally forth and do my worst on the new craft, comfortable at least in the knowledge of why it now sits under my feet.
Hey ding alley.
Eagerly awaiting your retort to Shane’s open letter
Ah yes! An ongoing exchange similar to 27b slash 6.
http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html
that's great!
Thats pretty funny
I'd like to see a reasoned, articulate and insightful debate on this topic, similar to that which occurs on the 'Australia you're standing in it' variant, and hereby encourage all swellnet contributors to engage forthwith. FWIW I reckon that they should be banned along with SUPs, mals and goat boats. Oh I forgot, boogers too.
I'm not quite sure whether you're looking to have Kombis banned. I think I saw some shortboards in one once.
I’m with D-Rex.
I owned a ‘75 Kombi, my first car. I actually got some mileage out of it but it was a shitbox. I’m not going back there, thanks.
My first car was a rust free '66 splitter kombi and I did drive it up and down the Great Ocean Road and down to the Island and beyond for 5 years in-between replacing 2 engines, brakes, clutches, fuses, headlights and everything else that can go wrong with a 6 volt wired vehicle. It and the regular ounce kept me poor until the day I traded it in on a station wagon for $650. I vowed never to buy another until I could afford the proper upkeep. Lots of mates had kombis and we all kept this one mechanic on the MP in business. One by one they were sold for peanuts because they kept breaking down with one mate just taking the plates off his and walking away from it where it stopped. My girl friend at the time, now wife, had a much more reliable beetle. Oddly today we own VWs of the modern kind.
If money were no object I would buy another splitter but get it worked over from head to foot, the world is full of upgrade kits for suspension, brakes (4 wheel disc) and engines ... I help a tradie mate out sometimes and one day we were working on a house in Portsea. The security guard let us through the gate and we needed to go through the garage. Big enough for 6 or 8 cars what stood out were the mint restored mid 60s kombi and beetle. Sort of had a bummer of a day after I saw that. They are now the toys of millionaires.
Lindsay Fox owns some nice motors, that's for sure. Did a paving job at his Toorak hovel decades ago and was similarly impressed by what was in his garage (more Ferraris and Lambos from memory).