OFF TOPIC ...

My mate Barry was visiting Tassie on a surf trip..........one Saturday night he decided to visit a inland pub, the type of pub that attracks big tough country girls ......commodore ute drivers with bundy rum stickers plastered all over them ......B+S ball type women

Baz had been on it most of the day and was a bit tipsy when he walked into the pub ...got chatting to a local female beast and after a few hours of sculling bundies with her [ which he swears made her look prettier and slimmer] he ended up in the back of her ute banging her.....fuck she could root near killed him..........
After giving it all he had Baz was dozing off totally exhausted.........when his new found princess whispered to him ive got another hole you can try if you like ? ? ?

Fuck thinks Baz she wants anal.....fuck yeh..... woa ye ha

Then she took her glass eye out.

This thread is "off topic"....... So....... in the spirit of off topic, I will post something,,,,, off topic...... "Gross things" that are great - You have a humongous pimple..... It is the Krakatoa of all pimples.... You stand in front of the mirror and painfully squeeze...... Agony..... Then BAM!!!!!! Mount Krakatoa erupts!!!! The mirror is sprayed with moltenus yellow plasma pus, followed by red fire like blood... As it happened, your girl walks in and nearly dry reeches, calling you a filthy pig..... Oohhhh yeah baby!!!! So gross, but sooo good... A dab of tee tree oil, and the following day krakatoa is extinct...... ;)

Stay tuned for part 2 of "gross thing that are great" :p

this is an amasing story about upsydaisy from years and years and years and years.... did I mention years? ago.... get it? cause hes old.
anyway upsydaisy goes into the pub and orders 6 tequilas straight up.
bartender asks whats the special occasion upsydaisy?
"my first headjob" upsydaisy replies
'well here you go young fella (remembering this was years and years and years ... did I mention years? ago.. so he was young once I heard) have a seventh shot on the house to celebrate"
upsydaisy declines the free shot and says "no offence miister, but if 6 shots doesn't get rid of the taste, then nothing will."
hilarious stuff

Don't worry honey I'll get this one......
Have another snort groges!

BTW i love these big swells we have been getting. The house and garden have never looked so nice and tidy. The big guy is even talking about painting the house next week there must be more swell on the way!
Or maybe we will be off to walkers rocks or poverty bay AGAIN.....

Gobbling Toddy way back then.

Guy wakes up one morning,peers out the window and sees a gorilla in his tree.He rings the zoo,who inform him they don't actually catch gorillas,but gives him a phone number of a chap that does.He rings the guy,who duly comes round,with a net,a shotgun and the ugliest,meanest pig dog that's ever drawn a breath.The gorilla catcher passes the shotgun to the houseowner and explains how he goes up the tree with the net,shakes the tree,the gorilla falls out and the pig dog goes straight for his nuts and he then throws the net over the gorilla.Why am i holding the shotgun enquires the owner.If i fall out of the tree first ,shoot the dog!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

Uplift and me are out in the woods when the old boy collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are glazed and for once he wasn't jabbering on. After a while, I dig a hole, push him in, and then the soil. I get out my phone and call emergency services. "The old goat is dead! Book the pub, let's celebrate", I yell excitedly. The operator quickly comes back with "Calm down, let's just make sure he's properly done for." I fall silent for a moment, then say "Yeah, good point, he said he was, but I forgot just what a bloody liar he is."

A lady goes into the gynaecologist for a checkup. Upon spreading her legs the gyno lets out a large gasp. " what's the problem she enquiries". " no disrespect mam but that is the largest vagina I have seen in my 30 years of practice". The poor lady is embarrassed and even more so when she asks him to remove his wedding ring as it is scratching her and he informs her he is no wearing a ring it is his watch that is the culprit.
She spends the rest of the day quite upset about it and upon returning home she decides to take a good look for herself. She places a big mirror on the floor,takes her strides off, spreads her legs and stands over the mirror. As she does this her hubby walks through the door. " what the hell are you doing love!" He enquiries. Quite flustered she replies quickly that she is just practicing her square dancing technique.
" that's great honey but you better watch out for that fucking big hole in the floor!"

If you came home from a camping trip with grass stains on your knees and elbows
and a used condom hanging out your arse would you tell anyone? ..............no?
............ wanna come camping?

EEEwww..... Well at least you used a condom.......

that is true mrs uplift, he always had a good excuse when it got big and he missed it or for why he was around at walkers.
1. had stuff to do around home.
2. would have went out but just let my big special custom blacks board go and didn't have a suitable board
3. wind/tide wasn't quite right, so went around to walkers waiting for blacks to turn on, but then it went onshore.

are you the one who used to take upsydaisy camping all of the time winkie??

Years ago at the pub, a chick came up to me and said "hey big boy! I wanna get dirty? I want you to make me bleed!!!"

So I took her to the rubbish tip and punched her in the mouth......

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box to use for it's house. He took the box back home and found a good spot for it.

He decided he would take his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede;
"Would you like to go to the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet?
This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and asked him again;
"How about going to the pub with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet!

So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
He put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted;
"HEY IN THERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PUB WITH ME?"

This time a little voice came out of the box;
"I heard you the first time, I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

Hey Winks, when we were about 13 ........ fuck me fuck me till I bleed, so I fucked her then punched her in the nose. I was sitting in my office one day when there was a knock at the door which scared me half out of my secretary, it was a women with red hair , on her head too , we went for a drive and had a flat tire, anyway I pushed ,she pulled I pushed she pulled then we got out and changed the tire....
What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches........Cheers.

old-dog wrote:

Hey Winks, when we were about 13 ........ fuck me fuck me till I bleed, so I fucked her then punched her in the nose. I was sitting in my office one day when there was a knock at the door which scared me half out of my secretary, it was a women with red hair , on her head too , we went for a drive and had a flat tire, anyway I pushed ,she pulled I pushed she pulled then we got out and changed the tire.... then some prick threw a brick through the windscreen hitting her fair and square on the left tit
breaking three of my fingers.
What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches........Cheers.

A grasshopper hops into a bar, sits himself on the counter, and asks the incredulous bar tender to pour him a Guiness.

While he's doing so, and to recover a bit of his composure, the bar tender casually says, "D'you know there's a cocktail named after you?"

To which the grasshopper responds, "Wot!? Trevor?"

A couple of kiwis were drinking in the front bar of a Gold Coast pub when an openly gay punter sat down next to them. The gay bloke leaned in to one of the kiwis and whispered in his ear" would you like to get a head job".
Upon hearing this outrageous news he instantly sprung to his feet and slammed the gay blokes face into the bar shattering his nose and jaw, then continually kicked him on the ground until most ribs were broken. Once satisfied with his initial work he then picked up what was left of the guy and threw him through the front glass window of the pub, dusted himself off and sat back down to finish his schooner.
" what was all that about cuz" his mate enquired.
" not entirely sure cuz but I think he offered me a job!"

A guy with a really bad stutter applies for a job as a door to door bible salesman. The boss says to him 'Im sorry mate but i don't think you are suitable because of your stutter'. Ggggggggggive meeeeeee tttttttttthe bbbbbbbibles he says and off he goes.He comes back an hour later and says Hhhhhhheres yyyyyyyyoour mmmmmmoney gggggggive mmmm ssssssssome more. This goes on for 2 weeks,the boss is absolutely stoked he says mate we have a national bible selling conference coming up, i want you to get up in front of everyone and tell them how you have become the best selling bible salesman in the history of this company.
The conference starts and in front of 5000 people he says ' Its eeeeeeeeeasy rrrrreeeeally i jjjjjjjjjjust sssssay wwwwwwwooould yyyyyyyou like ttttttttttto bbbbbbuy aaaaaaaa bbbbbbbbible orrrrrrrrr ssssssshould iiiiiii jjjjjjjjjjjust read it to you!

Three things you should never say in a gay bar.......
Are you positive?
Can I bum a fag?
Can I push your stool in?

The irish air force have sadly announced after a long search they have not found any sign of Malaysian airlines flight 370.

but have found and are currently looking for the owners of a piece of fuselage ' . . . AYSIAN AIRLINES '

A nun was feeling ill and went to visit her doctor.....doc ran a few tests and told the nun she was pregnant ? the nun was walking home totally confused because she had never had sex ?

A few hours later the nun figured it out............went next door to the monastery where the priests where having there dinner and yelled out .......

Right ................... which one of you bastards has been wanking over the candles.

Little jack was puzzled why wedding dresses are always white....so walks into the kitchen where mum is doing the dishes
mum he asks why are wedding dresses always white
well son mum says ........its to show friends and family that the bride to be is pure
hmm ok says jack
he then goes down to the shed to ask his dad same question ...dad why are wedding dresses always white ?

well son dad replies........

.............. all houshold appliances come in white.

Two friends, a married couple, fresh from Melbourne, having no idea about the rules against dogs on the beach, went to a crowded Queensland beach at Christmas with their St. Bernard dog. The dog was a bit over a year old, already huge, but still with the boundless energy of youth and very excited to be at the beach.

They set up on the sand and the dog soon bounded away with unrestrained enthusiasm; causing great disruption, spraying sand on all and sundry, running thru other encampments, knocking over children etc. The crowd were not happy and loud negative comments were soon being directed at the dog owners who were beginning to realise that may have done something less than prudent. Just as that point, the dog positioned himself front and centre on the beach and went into a determined crouch. “Oh No!!” shouted most on the beach as a poo began slowly extruding from the dog’s rear end. After about 12 centimetres of brown had appeared, the dog gave up and resumed its beach play with the 12 centimetres of poo flapping wildly behind it, still attached. At this point, people starting screaming, parents were covering children’s eyes. It was utter bedlam.

The husband started hastily packing up and helpfully muttered to his wife, “You can get the dog”. The wife scurried, red-faced, down towards the water. Unable to quite catch the dog, she took the only practical option available and grabbed the end of the flapping poo. She braced herself as the dog kept going. Strangely, the poo did not break off. It began to lengthen. The 12 centimetres became a metre, then a metre and a half and just kept going. It was at this point that she realised what had happened to her missing pantyhose. What she couldn’t explain was why her life was degenerating into an uncontrollable farce.

This is a true story.

With the recent influx of Russians through out indonesia I have been led to wonder about the wide use of headscarves. With a bit of research online and with some impromptu vox pops, I feel I can now reveal the reasoning behind it.

So next time you see a Pale skinned Cossack beauty lounging in a barely there G String with some spangled nipple stickers, the reason she is wearing a headscarf is of course ....to preserve her modesty.

The church frowns on immodest behaviour apparently.

Classic Wally, panty hose, coloured ballons and frogs.

Blowin its the vodka, they just don't want to look so smashed. Smashed long legged Russians with g strings and spangled nipple stickers sounds pretty GOD/DOG damn good.

A friend showed me this today....?

Holyheck........!

Holy fuck Welly.

Not a bad editing effort, car roll is a bit off and the explosian is too fast. Also bike would be totally fucked up getting hit that hard.

Like the shark vid that's been doing the rounds, good efforts but can't quite pull it off.

Good call TGF, never thought that, respect.

I know Todd Carney is a piss head, but that's just ridiculous......

Todd does it once and his career is all over.....Bear Grills does it every Thursday on sbs and he's a legend.

Todds trick
the street term is 'bubbling ' or 'gargoyling'
Near sobbing on the news....how many chances does this bloke want ?
The grand finale ........piss in your own mouth and let the pic go global...........
Decent size slug you got there Toddy anyway.

Well, he could always do "yellow porn" lol..... "Carney knowledge".... "Todds Rod".... "Rub me league".... "Wet scrum"...... "Forward Piss"..... "Pro state party".......

Who the fuck is Todd Carney...?

Is he 'Trevor' the grasshopper's mate.

OK fellas just watched late night SBS.

What a pisser.

Nobody tells Todd Carney when its last drinks

Todd Carney pissing in his own mouth.
Joel Monahagn getting a blowjob from a dog.
The Matt Johns group sex scandal.
Julian O'Neil and the Poo in the Shoe.

What a glorious game Rugby League is!

Hey stu dont forget about Hopoate and the finger up the date episode, too many hits to the head those boys, League players are not the brightest sportsmen going around.

Who could forget! Q: How did John Hopoate lose his wedding ring? A: Some tight arse stole it.

Then there's classy Mark Gasnier: "'There's four toey humans in the cab. Our c**** are fat and f****** ready to spurt sauce."

The kind of boy you'd take home to meet Mum.

Had there been camera phones around in the days of 'spit the winkle' ? might have been a pic taken of a big lad called Simon spraying the entrance of 'The Antler' at close on a sat nite.

Yeah, feel a bit bad for the 'yoof' of today. Definitely easier to get away with stuff back in the day, no cameras phones, just dodgy memories. Hah, spitting the winkle! Haven't seen that one in awhile!

Stu, ya also forgot the 'doggies up Coffs way that time! Classy!

salt wrote:

Hey stu dont forget about Hopoate and the finger up the date episode, too many hits to the head those boys, League players are not the brightest sportsmen going around.

Yeah Salt I never understood that incident...? Hopoate...?
Quote Southey "The thread with no Aim , Context or Meaning ."

Hopoate?

I loved that movie.

'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Finger'.

Todd Carney-

'I can taste the bubbles!'

Gold GOLD G O L D Zen, classic.

udo wrote:

Gold GOLD G O L D Zen, classic.

Yep,
How the fuck did you find that...!
Must of brought back memories Zenmon ;)

Let someone film you in the toilet urine for a bad time