Consider, The Boardshort
Let us talk frankly here, after all we are among friends and what is friendship for if not the sincere exchange of good advice.
So, I invite you to consider the boardshort and more particularly its place, should it still have one, in your wardrobe.
Few of us would agree with the old saw that clothes maketh the man, but equally few would deny that clothes do speak to a man's conception of himself.
So we must ask, of what does the boardshort speak?
In its defence it must be said it suggests informality, healthy outdoors activity and the spirit, if all too often not the form, of youth. So it has its place but that place, for those beyond their teenage years, needs careful consideration.
The beach obviously. A boardshorted man can stride the sand confident in his choice of apparel. The tropical surf camp? Without question. In the privacy of the home? Perhaps, if visitors are not expected. The average suburban BBQ? Sadly no. The line has to be drawn and in truth it is best placed not too far away from the high tide mark.
So by the time the boardshort has made its way to the local shopping centre or an entertainment venue, it is well out of its depth. By the time it turns up to a business meeting or boards a plane it is dead, drowned by the poor judgement of its owner.
For those who have grown to maturity through a time when the boardshort was considered a fashion item acceptable in a wide variety of informal social situations, this might be hard to accept, but sturdy up your heart. Do not let yourself become an anachronism. Think back to your youth, think of shorts and long socks. It is tempting to suggest that the boardshort is their modern equivalent; the dress of the thoughtless and conservative and those whose only sartorial ambition is to resemble every other bloke in the vicinity.
But shorts and long socks at least had some suggestion of seriousness, perhaps dressing a low ranking, but vital, cog in the machinery of public service. No, the truth is worse than that. Their only real stylistic equivalent is the footy short in club colours. As a general rule any item of sporting clothing worn in circumstances for which it was not intended is likely to be an affront to good taste. Most surfers probably recognise this in other situations, but have grown blind to their own abuse of the principle.
If this seems mere snobbery, the looking down the nose of one presuming to have good taste at those presumed to lack it, then I disagree. Clothes do speak of the man and boardshorts beyond the beach suggest a lack of the essential gravitas that distinguishes a man from an adolescent or child. The word Billabong capitalised across your backside is not an invitation to serious conversation. A synonym for the element Mercury scribbled down your thigh is equally destructive of an adult demeanour.
Australian men, it has to be said, rank low on the international scale of sartorial elegance, ranking well behind most of Europe and Asia and rating only higher than the more socially conservative parts of the USA and those developing nations where the choice of clothing is likely to be severely restricted by financial concerns. The boardshort may not be the worst offender. The competition is hot in the race to the bottom.
We need only think of tracky daks, Bintang singlets and the ubiquitous bum crack to realise that much, yet it plays its part. A part you would be wise to shun.
There is a purely pragmatic aspect to this. Dressing appropriately is a sign of respect and what you give out in that way is very often what you get back. The inappropriate use of the boardshort then is likely to limit both your social and career progress. And since few bother to explain their reasons for declining your application or denying you an invitation, you may linger unaware that the problem is not yourself per se, but the boardshort. //blindboy
Comments
" Dressing appropriately is a sign of respect and what you give out in that way is very often what you get back"
Agreed BB, took me awhile as a yoof to figure this out. Wearing boardies (and by this I assume you mean ones you can surf in, quick-dry material, no pockets etc.) away from the beach here in Aus is as bogan as footy shorts! Maybe more so depending on the brand!
And besides, it is f*%#ing annoying not having anywhere to put your wallet, keys etc.
In one of his books Nassim Taleb said that upon arriving in an Eastern Med country(?) to meet his wider family his uncle was shocked to find that he "dressed like an Australian" and rushed him off for a full suit fit-out before he'd introduce him to anyone.
However I'd argue that sartorially, Australians do summer very well (not everyone mind you but on average). Europe is particularly inept at dressing for summer. They don't seem to be able to throw off the restrictive seriousness of the rest of the year and fully embrace the casual spirit of long summer days.
Beard stroking thoughts......as a young man I wore my board shorts on special occasions, even to church on Sundays. I felt that they raised me above the rest of society, somehow showing others that I was not like them. This desire for difference was important to me and somehow the quick dry fabric shorts with a nice polo shirt tucked in with leather sandals was revolutionary among my teenage peers. When I saw others wearing them and knowing that they did not surf I felt that they were impostors, unhinging my attempts at the fashion/function divide.
As a middle age gentleman my wardrobe has some certain division, boardies for surfing (good fit, draw string, key/wax comb holder) and also boardies for every day use (random paint stains, maybe oversize, dodgy pockets).
It is difficult to find shorts that one can wear confidently at a semi formal occasion, and up here above the "pineapple curtain" many social/career events from now until Autumn require the gents to wear shorts of some description . Grown men in 3/4 pants is a terrible sight and I long for the days when King Gee "Scoops" are seen acceptable or even the Farrah Tropical Longs, short version make a comeback. The amazing non crush properties of the fabric was truly next centuries technology.
These are difficult times, in our heightened state of fashion terror.
Im cool with anyone wearing board short anywhere theres a fine line between boardies and shorts.
But thumbs down to guys going topless in public away from the beach and guys wearing there wetty half taken off into shops etc and even chicks rockin up to shops in bathers or towels wrapped around there waist, all not a good look, screams bogan/try hard/wannabes.
Jeez BB it must get awfully lonely sitting up there on your high horse, looking down you nose, judging everybody. I couldn't care what anyone thought about my attire, I wear boardshorts to the shops, movies, anywhere the dress code allows. The only problem I have with them is a lack of pockets for some situations. I personally like the comfort they offer. Your comment 'boardshorts beyond the beach suggest a lack of the essential gravitas that distinguishes a man from an adolescent or child' is pure snobbery BB. Long live the wearing of boardies at the pub, long live tight footy shorts down the shops and forever may bonds blue 'shearer' shirts prevail. At least it may give you and other grumpy old men something to mumble under your breath about as we pass by.
It's probably not the opinion of grumpy old men that should concern you salt.
And it doesn't BB. Some boardies look like dress shorts now anyway. Due to the fact I am a tight arse, I am usually 2 years behind any fashion trends anyway. I am a slacker when it comes to dressing, always have been, i think its comes from the grunge days of the 90s, my decade. I feel more comfortable dressing down than up. I love getting in a suit on the right occasion but 90% of the time I prefer to be the under dressed person at the party rather than the over dressed person. Who cares anyway as long as you a cool with yourself.
I remember reading the 3 rules of wearing board shorts.
(1) You do not wear underpants under your boardies.
(2) You do not wear boardies with an elastic waistband.
(3) Boardies are never evening attire.
Haha BB this is so true. Why oh why did you not pen this article 12 months earlier as you could have saved me some embarrassment. Touring the States last year with the family as a man well into his late 30's and at the time holding onto an attitude somewhere near Salt's, that is, somewhere strikingly similar to the board short wearing one I grew up with in the 80's & 90's. One that believed boardies have a place anywhere but a funeral. So we are travelling which means we are limited to clothing options as I always pack as light as possible. I have already worn a pair of cargo type pants a few times & find myself in need of a pair of shorts for our day out in Hollywood. It's not Summer, so I only have one more pair available that being a pair of surfing type boardies, black white & lime green (I always fancied the lime for reasons unknown to just about everyone else, even myself) I havn't packed thongs so with these shorts I rock a pair of Vans, knowing the boardies / shoe combo is a little wrong, but totally thinking no one would notice or care for that matter. So there I am striding down Hollywood Boulevard checking out all things touristy when I unknowingly walk into a candid camera TV trap. They are a bunch of people holding protest signs making up slogans to sing out loud as the prey walk into their field. What slogan do I cop for American TV laughs? - "no crazy shorts, no crazy shorts"
Feeling a little embarrassed but laughing it off we continue on down the road into an unrelated area where a guy is outside of a shop spruiking the wares inside on a loud speaker. We decide to pop in for a look and as we enter the guy bleats out "you can come in Sir even if you dress wrong" hahaha I thought it was funny but my wife and daughter thought it was funnier still, as all our debates in years previous about the merits of boardies had proven them to be the vindicated ones. Now every time I pull those shorts out of the drawer a little voice tells me that man, those shorts are crazy, be careful.
embrace the craziness shoredump embrace it.......but in saying that.......lime green.......nah not my colour
I too lament the days a pair of powder blue King Gee Scoops and a pair of biege mesh slip on shoes were acceptable attire in any social setting.
However, since I've been with my other half for a long time now and since I don't buy my own clothes, she does, I've been branded to a certain degree. Recently she bought me a lovely pair of pin-striped Billabong dress shorts that go very nicely with any t-shirt/polo combo.
PS My first pair of boardies were 'Creams', anyone remember that brand?
Sitting in a bank when we first came to Australia I remember seeing a bloke walk in barefoot and wearing board shorts, up until that point there had been little to say we were in Oz, apart from the heat. But that brought it home. I clearly remember having a chuckle and thinking yeah things are different here, more relaxed for a start. That was one of the reasons we made the move and years later even though we are moving back it's one of the things I'll miss most when we go. It's unfortunate when clothes become stigmatised by the people wearing them, we have the same in the UK, trackie wearing chavs making reebok trainers a no no, used to love them for work as the soles are grippy, chavs like them for climbing the side of your house. But most of the people I've got to know in Oz who wear boardies regularly have been spot on, some legends among them. I've found board short wearing belies a bit of a don't give a fuck attitude, not about trivial shit like what the fashion police say anyway which I'm all for, it's a good Aussie character trait, don't change it.
too late Upnorth, as BB's piece has vividly illustrated, we've already changed.
stuff that, i'll never change. I'll be the old prick in the out dated 10 year old boardies and bonds singlet sitting on the cliff drinking mid-strength.
You might have freeride but it seems the force in strong in SA and Qld
No change here either, love wearing my boardies as often as possible, just so comfortable...........Never been able to come at the mid-strength tho Salt :-)
I'll take the Les Murray pill prescription over the BB cultural cringe thanks.
The Dream Of Wearing Shorts Forever by Murray, Les
To go home and wear shorts forever
in the enormous paddocks,
in that warm climate, adding a sweater when winter soaks the grass,
to camp out along the river bends
for good, wearing shorts, with a pocketknife,
a fishing line and matches,
or there where the hills are all down, below the plain,
to sit around in shorts at evening
on the plank verandah —
If the cardinal points of costume
are Robes, Tat, Rig and Scunge,
where are shorts in this compass?
They are never Robes
as other bareleg outfits have been:
the toga, the kilt, the lava-lava
the Mahatma's cotton dhoti;
archbishops and field marshals
at their ceremonies never wear shorts.
The very word
means underpants in North America.
Shorts can be Tat,
Land-Rovering bush-environmental tat,
socio-political ripped-and-metal-stapled tat,
solidarity-with-the-Third-World tat tvam asi,
likewise track-and-field shorts worn to parties
and the further humid, modelling negligée
of the Kingdom of Flaunt,
that unchallenged aristocracy.
More plainly climatic, shorts
are farmers' rig leathery with salt and bonemeal,
are sailors' and branch bankers' rig,
the crisp golfing style
of our youngest male National Costume.
Mostly loosely, they are Scunge,
ancient Bengal bloomers or moth-eaten hot pants
worn with a former shirt,
feet, beach sand, hair
and a paucity of signals.
Scunge, which is real negligée
housework in a swimsuit, pyjamas worn all day,
is holiday, is freedom from ambition.
Scunge makes you invisible
to the world and yourself.
The entropy of costume,
scunge can get you conquered by more vigorous cultures
and help you to notice it less.
Satisfied ambition, defeat, true unconcern,
the wish and the knack for self-forgetfulness
all fall within the scunge ambit
wearing board shorts or similar;
it is a kind of weightlessness.
Unlike public nakedness, which in Westerners
is deeply circumstantial, relaxed as exam time
artless and equal as the corsetry of a hussar regiment,
shorts and their plain like
are an angelic nudity,
spirituality with pockets!
A double updraft as you drop from branch to pool!
Ideal for getting served last
in shops of the temperate zone
they are also ideal for going home, into space,
into time, to farm the mind's Sabine acres
for product or subsistence.
Now that everyone who yearned to wear long pants
has essentially achieved them,
long pants, which have themselves been underwear
repeatedly, and underground more than once,
it is time perhaps to cherish the culture of shorts,
to moderate grim vigour
with the knobble of bare knees,
to cool bareknuckle feet in inland water,
slapping flies with a book on solar wind
or a patient bare hand, beneath the cadjiput trees,
to be walking meditatively
among green timber, through the grassy forest
towards a calm sea
and looking across to more of that great island
and the further topics.
I bow to a much greater eloquence........but disagree with the sentiment.
Old Les is basically saying the same thing as you BB, but while you ascribe negative connotations to it Les has a positive value judgement on the matter. Best summed up in this immortal stanza: "Satisfied ambition, defeat, true unconcern,
the wish and the knack for self-forgetfulness
all fall within the scunge ambit
wearing board shorts or similar;
it is a kind of weightlessness."
A weightlessness. If I could be so bold as to assume that freedom is more than from gravity but also from the false assertions of fashion.
You could wear suit pants without undies for a sense of weightlessness too.
I've done that.
I'm shit at laundry
It's not about fashion freeride. It is partly concerned with some elements of style but that is something entirely different and should be recognised wherever it occurs. I struggle to imagine boardshorts as stylish anywhere out of the water.
Some of this, although I didn't say it explicitly, goes back to experiences in Indonesia where too many surfers apparently have no idea how offensive their mode of dress can be to the locals.
Boardies are my essential travel clothes. More about comfort then fashion. Don't care what other people think. Unless I'm doing something formal like weddings, funeral, dinner, work etc otherwise I'll wear boardies as they are just so comfy and relaxing.
I hop onto a long distance flight in boardies tshirt and thongs, look around at people wearing suits and other fashion style clothes and think they must be so uncomfortable. I might be a bogan but I'm comfy.
People not wearing tshirt or any kind of top with boardies on is were I draw the line.
I grew up in tropical Durban South Africa.... Boardies rocked! In summer it got so hot that you could not walk down the street without seeing someone with their work shirt off. You didn't wear undies cause they got soaking wet from sweat....or you put undies on so you didn't get a wet patch of sweat looking like you peed yourself. Most cars didn't have air con so most drivers had their shirts off....
The thing about Boardies is that they are made with material that is very comfortable and does not cause a rash when you sweat or get wet, they are light and scientifically advanced. Great for jogging, gym, even walks on hot days.... Of course also great for all water sports!
Think about this, it is 30 degrees, by the BBQ it is 45 degrees.... What better way to dress while making snag sandwiches than in your Boardies, with your favourite long neck, no undies with your shirt on your head catching sweat.... Yeeewwwwweee! It's so appropriate to our culture!
I fear blind boy that in spouting this claptrap you have been blinded by the pretentiousness of the well-heeled parts of Sydney or Melbourne where a certain crowd of fashionistas are ever worried about their appearance - not only in front of the ladies but even their mates! Its a sad state of affairs when versatility of clothing only extends to a single limited environment (how many times must one have to change with this outlook and how big a wardrobe displaying the fruits of 1st world consumption must you have??).
To suggest that boardies are inappropriate at a BBQ or in your own home is slightly disgraceful in my humble opinion. If my friends (male or female) were to judge me on my attire while I was prodding snags or eggplant on the bbq with the sun beaming down on me and the fat popping all over my wears to merrily provide a good feed for them they'd be promptly shown the door and not invited to return.
Id argue that this example (BBQ'ing at ones home) is perfectly acceptable use of boardies along with a run (I don't require the newest gear from lulu lemon), a trundle to the shops for a pint of milk (with or without A2 and vitamin N) or a case of beer, a meal in a beach-side take-away or dare I say it restaurant, a stroll around an outdoor market or having a beer in a pub. Thank good that the prevailing culture of over 90% of the land of this fair country (by area that is) would be perfectly accepting of such attire instead of looking down their nose at me and commenting on my gravitas. Indeed, as our long-term English resident pointed out it is this laid back non judgemental spirit that many a person has moved here for.
So whilst I appreciate the fashion tip and honesty you have brought to the table, I say you need to get around a bit more and come down from that high horse. I'm not saying boardies are great wedding attire, but lets not pander to those who would have us wear a different article of clothing for every imaginable circumstance in the name of cool.
geeez i was with blindboy on this until i just read surfecologys last comment, i am still torn on this i personally dont wear my boardies past the sand line very much unless on holidays , but i didgo to get a coffee yesterday in one of queenslands more upmarket tourist spots i noted how many guys were in boardies and how relaxed cool everyone looked , there were guys of all ages sitting in cafes in boardshorts sipping there coffee, granted it is a holiday spot ! gee I dont know about this one but one things for sure bintang singlet tops and boardshorts = massive bogan
If it's cool, it's cool. My main point is to be aware of the circumstances it is not.
BB, the fact you have to point out the 'main point' in the above article, proves that you didn't make the point very well in the first place.
Probably salt, I think I misjudged the tone a bit. My tongue was located slightly off centre which didn't come through as well as I had hoped.
Satire is dead, Salt killed it.
Hahaha, I must say I've (and my long-suffering partner of 9 months) loved this article and the ensuing hilarious commentary and anecdotal justifications for and against the humble boardshort. This issue has been a hot topic of discussion between my partner and I, and I'm now often - though tinged with regret over comfortability - choosing jeans or walk/dress shorts over boardies. I feel an impending wardrobe redesign with her bank account is imminent, and my intention is that, as a kept and fully empowered man, it adds in timeless style so that fashion, other people's judgement and slavish overconsumption of surf capitalism is never a concern. I highly recommend this path of complete lack of integrity to any other confused, boardshort-wearing fence-sitters out there...
It's been so long... (cold water means straight from jeans to wettie often)
When hot, white collar short sleeve shirt + dress shorts, mostly jeans or long pants though. We've come a long way from getting Mum to sew worn out quikkie logos on our Target brand 'Catchit' boardies. I can only surmise that if things continue, the safari shirt, safari shorts and pith helmet will once again dominate the tropics.
Friggen fashion snobs. Jesus Christ what's next.......
Wear what makes you comfortable and fuck those that look down their noses at you and pass judgement.
Agreed Fitzy. I'd hate to hear what these crew think about the people shuffling about Alice Springs in their beanies and Lakers singlets every day of the year.