The Outsider: It Ain't Easy Being Green
"It's not easy being green. It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things." Kermit the Frog.
I spent the morning on the beach, enjoying some unattended, knee-high, glassy babyfood and toking on some mellow Autumn harvest bush weed, which seemed a reasonable enough antidote to the Hobbesian hystericism consequent to being a part-time surf journo these days.
Cough, cough. Excuse me. This stuff tickles the throat.
As I was saying, the chance to gird the philosophical loins during the laydays is fundamental for the wellbeing of your typical scumbag surf journo caught in a shame spiral in the hurly burly of the online bear-pit.
Appreciating some quiet reverie under a pandanus palm with the morning paper the gestation of a monstrous new idea began to take shape. I'm hoping we could walk through it together, and suspend disbelief for just a few precious moments of your day. Maybe flesh it out in the comments section to come to grips with the details.
Good to go?
Alrighty. First of all, by way of preamble, anyone getting paid to surf is a Pro Surfer, someone being used to sell something, a surf celebrity as Greenough calls them. Secondly, Pro Surfing and the surf industry aren't the only global multi-nationals currently struggling to stay afloat amidst tectonic shifts in consumer sentiment.
Kim Dot-Com, the elephantine founder of Internet file-sharing service MegaUpload, has been back in front of the beak, seeking bail as he fights the full litigious power of the American entertainment conglomerates. They want Lil' Kim hung, drawn and quartered with the bleeding bits dragged behind Disney horses down the main street of Hollywood to send a message about who controls the narrative.
Meanwhile, James 'Jimmy' Murdoch has quit as executive chairman of News International, over the continuing phone hacking scandal. He plans to continue as deputy chief operating officer of News Corp with a focus on pay TV. Yes, pay TV.
OK, here's the deal Jimmy. You swoop in and pick up the low hanging fruit of Pro Surfing media rights for a song, call off the rapacious lawyers on Lil' Kim, form a joint venture with Kelly Slater and Bugs for a ten event Rebel Tour based on pay per view at exotic locales and file sharing through MegaUpload.
Boom-tish.
Jackpot.
It's so simple and glaringly obvious it's hard to believe no-one's thought of it before. Lil' Kim, Jimmy Murdoch, Old Baldy and Bugs. Tell me how that's not a Dream Team to drag the carcass of Pro Surfing through GFC Mk2 and back into the stratosphere.
Jeezus, Kelly was close but just couldn't put the hat in front of the right people.
Cough.
Of course I got straight on the hambone to Kelly and Bugs to pitch the deal. A small one-off spotters fee for moi should refresh the quiver and snatch a few surf trips for financial year 2012, but so far, no response to the pitch. I even penned a little proof of concept on the back of a pie bag which I'd be happy to present at a joint meeting just to get this baby bird up and flying.
I know you're reading this Kelly. Think about it. Get your people to call my people.
Lil' Kim and Jimmy Murdoch are proving a little more tricky to get hold of. Kim's been banned from the internet which makes him a trifle hard to get a hold of, and Jimmy, well lets just say Jimmy might have a few bigger fish to fry right now.
Dizzying, I know, but in this strange universe of Pro Surfing the normal physical laws of cause and effect don't apply. In these weird times we must all learn to think laterally if what we love is to survive.
Could we come back to the question of the Final Day before calling it job done for the layday? Just to put some meat in this bizarre, global multi-media sandwich.
First, the forecast. Swell will be from the southern quadrant over the weekend, reducing the natural wavespeed down the bank and enhancing the carve back into the pocket with a longer tapering coping section and less of the sharp bowl seen in a more easterlly swell. That's if they hold it at Snapper. At D'bah it goes to punchy peaks or wedges off the wall. Onshores will add texture and crumble.
Owen will have to clearly out surf De Souza in the opening quarter to get a potential match-up with Slater in Semi 1. Doable, very doable, but he needs early scores to bring the hi-fi noise or De Souza will hunt him down with relentless priority pressure.
Same with Kerr, only moreso. Kelly will apply immediate pressure, aiming for a 'within ten minute' combo situation to make Kerr think twice about big air on the opening manoeuvre. Kerr could be far ahead but Slater will punch to the hooter. I expect Kerr to crumble under application of scoreboard pressure as time ticks down.
Jordy and Joel is the great match-up on paper, with plenty of skin in the game for both of them. Joel has evolved his surfing and the ten point ride is now the dominant mental image judges will hold as the benchmark for good surfing in this event. Parko must approach that performance level again to beat Jordy and dominate him in the air and on the face. Jordy himself has plenty of dry powder in the chamber which makes this theoretically the heat of the event.
Ace has scrapped hard to get this far but Taj only needs limited opportunity to easily outpoint him regardless of venue. Taj should be cognisant now of the lessons of last year where Kelly puff-balled him into waiting for afternoon onshores which didn't suit the chattery Firewire. Momentum suits Taj while Ace will benefit from any disruption to the fragile Burrows rhythm.
A potential bait and switch with equipment from the thruster to five fin set-up gives strong potential for Kelly to gain a material and psychological advantage over an opponent who holds no fear for him.
A redux of the Final last year is a strong possibility for those looking at odds.
Hang on, there's the phone ringing.
What's, that Jimmy? You love the concept. Onto it straight away. Now about that spotter's fee, Jimmy. Cheque's in the mail ya reckon. Great! Nah, nah, don't mention it. Pleasure's all mine. Stay outta trouble, eh.
With the world going to hell in a handbasket sometimes all it takes is for great minds to be brought together.
Comments
sounds like you have spent a fair bit of time in south oz
A few others here must be on that weed of yours shearer and me thinks you all need to knock it off!
the geometrically pure dot connecting of those 4 evil individuals could lay the foundations for a Masonic Grand Lodge capable of the procurement of monatomic white gold on an industrial scale.
Kim dotcom and Newscorp together? Nah, Newscorp is the absolute antithesis of everything that the web now represents. Ole Rupert and his idiot sons are trying to hold back the tide on this one (paywall theaustralian, are you fucking kidding me!?) and will die trying. No, I think you need to look further afield. How about Clive Palmer? He seems to have ridiculous amounts of money to throw around at fringe sports (well soccer is in Australia anyway). Mining money is where it is at now baby. The rich men of yesteryear - packer, Murdoch et al are on their way out....
Put fucking Gina 'Pudding Face' Rinehart in charge! Imagine them to in a room together as the figureheads for pro surfing. Fun in the sun! Sex! GREAT BIG BOWLS OF CUSTARD!
Yep, if that deal with Jimmy falls through sexy Gina a call.
I've scared myself off sleep with that image.
right,
Gina Rhinehart, Nathan Tinkler, Clive Palmer and Kim Dotcom,
they can mud wrestle to see who will be CEO.
What is abut extreme wealth and obesity? At least Rupert managed to stay away from those extra kilos. All of the mining magnates, even Twiggy Forest have that corpulent air about them....
Has anyone seen Adam Weathered lately?
Just wondering.
in g-strings.
??? and people think we don't take this surfing caper seriously.
Fat is a status symbol Burzum. Big proper fat. Any garden variety millionaire can afford a Ferrari or to keep a trophy wife in Dior but getting ridiculously fat sends an altogether different message: I can afford triple-bypass heart surgery any time I want. So eat up.
Keeping it green, burning the hay, and making bank...
Shearers once again, "hits" it out of the carpark.
As old a civilization itself.
The Swellnet cams seem to point to another Snaps layday, so's Steve, we all are expecting another fine tome from 'ya.
Instead of hay, possibly fueled this time by a nice sixer of the craft, Burleigh Brew's 28 IPA. Or a large snifter of straight up Bundaberg.
@top-to-bottom-bells ha ha I shot a launch/function/PR thingy with Nathan Tinkler a few years ago...the resemblance is uncanny. Paid well but I'm pretty sure the dough had been in his ash tray.
I've been looking for the Man in Black down at the comp but he's nowhere to be seen. You hiding or playing hard to get, Mr Weathered?
Hey Stu. Lurking elsewhere. You up here? Junket?
There's reasons why now a days all the above the lip maneuvers get the scores.
"cause getting shacked, and or pulling a stink buggin' switchfoot, (JOB)... is so easy, even fat guys can do it!
@AW,
Dunno if a trip to the Gold qualifies as a junket, but yes, I'm up here. If you end up down the comp when they run again then give me a bell. Be good to catch up.
Clive Palmers your man Shearer, loves sport and has unlimited of OUR earth resourses to pump into a project like this.
Clive Palmer = Mining = Quarry = Wave Pool.
Are you connecting these dots, Shearer? Better give Greg Webber a call.
Heals, with Kelly aboard I don't think there'll be any room for Webber.
Trust me on this one.
Good point Stu. Don't want this ship sunk before it's even floated.
@stunet yep will do for sure mate. P.S. flying up here with a bottle of winded and paper towel to clean surf cams is definitely a junket
The Inaugural Clive Palmer Bowen Basin Pro........with a special into offer of a free bucket of black coking coal for every Chinese person who logs onto the Webcast.
windex...
'The Inaugural Clive Palmer Bowen Basin Pro........with a special into offer of a free bucket of black coking coal for every Chinese person who logs onto the Webcast'
Wonder if there's any surfcams up there that need cleaning?
Here's what's happening right now. The marketing guru's of the big 3 have read the above. Already proposals are in the pipeline, complete with glitzy images and heading Big Clives way. The concept, Clive, sponsor the events by paying us because we created this, we own it and we are bigger than the sport, you'll pay the entire tab for the events and we'll brand it because our branding gives it funk and cred. It's a cheap buy in for you Clive and we won't take an admin fee on top.
Clive, we know how to keep out any evil (competitive ) brands who might want in and also, we already have the voting power to put you in as CEO ASP, effective immediately.
Shearer - sorry, no commissions on this, we actually had this concept yesterday before you came up with it.
and if for reasons unknown we can't get you in as CEO, we'll start a new organization, we did it before so we'll do it again, BackBitch will be your 2nd in charge, Lopez Head Judge
Footnote: Financial officers of the big and 3 have already analysed the marketing departments latest initiatives and rate the concept 5 star, would have achieved 6 stars with an admin fee included - they have also tentatively recommended merketing guru for employee of the month for initiative and creativity.
BKS - Bob Kelly Slater will owns the licensing rights to the brand name on each and every indoor surf arena, but he's smart. Bob will spinoff of the building costs and arena ownerships to others and do like Frank McCourt, fully own and bank them crumbs from concessions, and parking lots.
Definitely the parking lots.
This all sounds extremely dangerous to me.
What were you thinking to allow a 'gateway' surf comp.
Doncha know every Tom, Luke, and Occy will be hooked!
There aren't any clinics with the antidote that will cure this addiction!
Talk about a Pandoras Box - hmmm?
If the venues they pick are rocking with swell for the comp. I'd pay to view once or twice!?!?
This all sounds extremely dangerous to me.
What were you thinking to allow a 'gateway' surf comp.
Doncha know every Tom, Luke, and Occy will be hooked!
There aren't any clinics with the antidote that will cure this addiction!
Talk about a Pandoras Box - hmmm?
If the venues they pick are rocking with swell for the comp. I'd pay to view once or twice!?!?
@Ando the marketing guru,
Did I just hear you describe the product as having cred and, ahem, 'funk'?
Bzzzz....next!
Well picked up Stunett....The 3 brands allliance with Clive as CEO and funding every event branded by the big free (3) will require an overhaul and BackBitch/Lopez need to be joined by you as brand manager and Shearer controlling media.....that's it for staff...we'll multi task those 4, keep employment to a minimum...we are on the same page -- industry/Clive....we run lean profitable machines and of course everyones a winner...Stunett, your branding pick up was impeccable -- your on.
last memo to Clive --- Wogball is not your sport Clive, invest your riches and future gains from Aussie soil into an Aussie cultural sport, please...money well spent!
You mean I'm on the gravy trai....sorry, I have a job? Then let's get this funky show on the road!
Clive, Stu, and Shearersy...
How could anyone go wrong with 'aving three more rollers,..
Three punk rockers for life!
"Out in Hollywood, home of the "totalitarian" left, he said, "These people are like, ‘Hey more coke, more ecstasy, more this’ – these are the crass consumers that they themselves mock. And you go into a conservative party, the pro-capitalist people, the ones that are working, and they’re very moderate with their intake."
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/business/2012/03/breitbarts-unfinished-qu...
@Roller
I had just read that article 30 minutes ago. R.I.P. Andrew Breitbart. The dude passes away only a week or so after claiming to have damaging video evidence of Obama as a youth waving his radical flag so to speak.
Can you say conspiracy theory?
Are you illiterate Stunett?? Of course you're on but a 30 page contract will need to be signed first. Also Freerider....read between the lines fool...you're on as well but your position can easily be swung Rotty's way --- between dope and prozac we might have a few drug testing officials issues but they can be overcome.
ok, looks like Clivey Palmer won the g-string clad mud wrestling to emerge as CEO.
Venue - I nominate Gladstone. Water source - Lake Awoonga. Power source - CSG .
Now we're fracking.
'Are you illiterate Stunett?? '
Are you preparing me for the psychological barrage these tycoons are famous for? If so, pass the pen and papers, my arse is yours. And Clive's.
So the rebel tour is looking a likely outcome of a retail slump? Surely it wouldn't cost ESPN/Palmer 2million bux to put on a comp at Fiji? Does it cost that to a global clothing franchise per event because they are handing out gold platted leaflets spruking their latest togs to the natives? What are the real cost's of holding an WT event without all the "check out how cool my brand is!" hype?
Good question RR.
real good question.
Can someone please translate these comments into English?
I don't speak colloquial Aussie all that well. Unless a "y" or "o" is added to the end of words I'm lost.
Come on Clive, Come on ESPN...
Give me full accreditation...
I'm yours
This is sounding good.
May I suggest the services of a Marketing Manager & CEO direct from their recently successful tenure with Surfing SA. Both were unfortunately forced into early retirement after their outstanding efforts with the KI Pro.
All good though. If all goes to shit there'll be the fall-back option of a Government Guarantee to re-coup all the losses.
RED ALERT : In coming turkey farmers.
the twitterarty are upset.
@ Nug
I am surprised you are here. Thought you would be out at Mutt Lynches with your buddies celebrating the death of Andrew Breitbart.
Fuckin Commie.
@snug; Translations as follows
bux = $
togs = swimwear
Fiji = land of plenty (of waves)
The WT is begining to take shape...
The Xstrata Coal pro at Jbay?
The Ebay open at Manly?
The Valvoline "invite only" Barrel Challenge of Tahiti?
Just a return to its former self, isn't it? Smirnoff, Coke, Beaurepaires, Cuervo.. plenty of non-surf brands sponsored contests in the 70's and 80's.
Inter Continental Missiles On Radar
It was nice knowing me
I will Put my Head Between my Legs
and Kiss my Ass Goodbye!
@Ryder,
Don't let the gloves drop any lower. That blow was only just legit.
CODE RED
Anonymous
Hackers on Horizon
@thermal benjamin.
Yeah, I couldn't care less who puts up the cash. I think that the surf companies have proved that it can be broadcast to an interested public. On a personal level, I love the comps. I can't stand Adriano for example, but that is just part of the fun and why I find it interesting (nothing personal Adriano. GO OWEN). Also, for what it's worth, I'd pay$ to watch an event on the web/tv (don't hold me to that Clive). In fact I would prefer to watch it on the web/tv than on the beach. Who wants to stand on the beach and watch people surf? Sounds like torture to me...
Anyway, it (the WT) will keep on tumblin along.
The future:
Kelly winning world title 32 at the ripe old age of 67 thanks to his major sponsors, Swisse Ultivites "you'll feel better on Swisse" & KFC "Taste's so good!"
@ atticus,
I assume you were offended by the Government Guarantee?
wonder where ol' sour guts rottencramps is on this lazy friday arvo. ?
like care .
The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial.
Tommy Smoothers
Stu,
Censorship, when done right, is for the greater good -- I hope you deleted the entire comment history of those accounts which needed to be purged -- Our good is greater than theirs.
Who wants to hear from any pot-smoking, pill-taking, sarcastic surfers who have an opinion about the surf industry? Especially when all they do is go on at length with no underlying point to the words they write? Good riddance.
Where were we?
Yaaawwwwwnnnnnnn....... so how's that rain eh'?
Buckets of it. Raining Datsun cogs. Swell on the Goldy this weekend? Comp on, anyone?
Frother is frothin on this as much as me. I am bit worried about voicing an opinion due to faceless criticism. Feel a bit like Ruddy only not quite as ruddy.
It's gunna go to d'bah. Has to. Weekend swell will be small and south. Not sure if theyll run Saturday or Sunday but either way Slater will win it.
Awesome first comp of the year........NOT!
Ben Macartney was pretty confident for Sunday at Snapper
Well itll be small and fat then. The holes not filled in either despite what the commenters say. High tide is gunna blow.
Well, that article and these posts are boring as batshit.
Wheres'BR?
What professional surfing needs is Virgen/Branson!
Condominiums and private 747's to transport top 32/42- whatever - to the location with surf.
WCT would be on 24/7/365 call, and have to be ready to depart with 30 minute notice.
If planet earth survives the plastic holocaust coming soon, this could happen.
Your off the team Freerider,,,,you don't take the bait,,,Rotty is on (Media Director) ably supported by lopez (Judge Boss) and Backbitch (2 IC) with Stunett (already signed) as brand manager...Offices will be plush in NW Qld...Clive is CEO and can appear if and when he wants to.
Fuck off Sheepy, you're boring....
The facts are..
The Search is gone
NY gone (thank fuck)
Jbay downgraded
Fiji gone (not confirmed but looking that way)
Chopes could be gone too (rumour at this stage)
There is no ASP CEO! (a decent CEO would have been able to negotiate with the sponsors to prevent this happening)
Not able to give names yet but despite Bong enabling AI and his drug use (death remember) the Bong team were on the sniff only a few weeks ago in South America.
The sport is fucked and to be honest it's time for a revamp. That means judging, locations, sponsorship and then some.
The best surfer on the planet has no interest in the tour
Cheers
Rsbandit/Jimmy?
the DCCT - 'drugged up competition tour'
Who can chug a bottle of Patron Anejo, snort a gram, win in slop surf?
judging optional
its enough to make you change your name from jimmy to dick.
Yep good on ya Sid.
what was I thinking?
it should have been;
the 'DUCT'
my bad
Moving the comp. can't be much fun? Workers benefit?
I wonder how much the workers earn? Room/board/surf? - perks? Ins.? free boardshorts? T's-? hats-?
After 3 years a judging position?
@ Z-man
Great concept... mentioned same thing on Twitter 4 months ago, so have others
surferjoe - my apologies! - I am kinda new to Swellnet. I've missed a lot of the past stories.
Maybe they can get away with a few ladders and some cross planks?
No matter how the top shelf comps roll, or whether it's sponsored "free" surfers working for photo incentives and video sections, or players surfing minor league events, the same companies that sponno EVERYONE will still need to market product to the key male demographic....
tats, frats, and neckbeard cats.
@Michael Peterson,
The facts? Son, I think you may have to look the word up in a dictionary as your 'facts' include three rumours and another that contains a wholly subjective premise.
MP...I love you...you're right on the mark
And MP....don't listen to doubters like heals/stunett and especially Sheepy...sheepy's like a farm animal incorrctly castrated...no balls,,,loves to start a topic, flame some discussion then sit on the fence when it get's "too hot" ...typical surf journalist tho! I'm swinging Rotty's way.
I'm not a doubter Ando, I reckon they're in strife too.
Isn't that what the Brand Manager of the new Rebel Tour should be saying anyway?
ando,
The hell with this fake MP message board kook,...
The REAL Michael Peterson suffered from a disease.
As did Andy.
And blaming friends and or employers for a person with a disease for their disease, is the biggest load of all time fuckery ever!
And just like how it rolls with old rottkamp, blaming his parents, or his drunk ass dad, for all of his total load of fuckall is meaningless... and misses the point....
Genetics, bru.
Disease, and genetics.
I have no idea what the fuck you're are talking about roller...so maybe you should replace Stunett as brand manager.
and if what you say above is true, then what's the excuse for sheepy's contant load of surf journo, sit on fence, dribble?
I'll take issue with the 'disease/genetic' statement roller makes.
It boils down to an addictive personality usually from a lack of discipline at a young age.
I don't know about MP's upbringing(vaguely recall his history-did he write an autobiography?), but I do know the Irons family and they fostered the notoriety Andy enjoyed.
Both sponsors and family are to blame.
But that isn't the issue of this thread. If it is about 'WHERE' the TOUR is going.
I think it will stagger on for another year, depending on the economy which doesn't look rosy!
I miss Blasphemy Rottmouth.
Big Northeast brewing for n shore. lani's freight trains coming up!
@post-mark
Dont worry Brew is watching and will sooth ur sweating brow and stroke ur heaving bosoms.... soon
I lay a very satisfying cable this mornin'..... a lot more satisfying than reading some of this bollocks.
MP I assume suffered either an antisocial or avoidant personality disorder. AI had similar issues, though more likely another type of personality disorder, narcissistic perhaps. Both were amazing surfers and i'm sure, top blokes, But i'm just putting forward an opinion that i'm entitled to.
I love my new E-Bomb wettie and buy brand names when purchasing equipment (just wish the karrnttsss would produce decent leggies though! O&E float my boat in that department - O&E, send free leggie please), though would be stoked to see a rebel tour kick into action next year, without the big names flaunting their wares. Be great to watch a webcast with surfing..... and just that, surfing! No adds, no bullshit, what we're there to see. Barrels, hacks, airs, etc.... give the audience what they want
"I lay a very satisfying cable this mornin'..... a lot more satisfying than reading some of this bollocks.
MP I assume suffered either an antisocial or avoidant personality disorder. AI had similar issues, though more likely another type of personality disorder, narcissistic perhaps. Both were amazing surfers and i'm sure, top blokes, But i'm just putting forward an opinion that i'm entitled to."
Dog help us.
MP's mental disease is a matter of detailed public record. It exists; he's been treated for it for at least 20 years now. Rather than bless us with a description of your morning ablutions, why don't you inform yourself? That way, the opinion you feel so entitled to share may have a basis in reality. You know, fact. Or maybe you don't. Who knows, certainly not you by the sounds of it.
Fuck this forum has gone to the dogs....
Green?
Stiv, sure, a lot of folks may need the "green" to get thru life, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, there is nothing green about surfing.
Pretty. Green.
Laniakea you say?
Keep it quiet you could get it all to yourself?!?!