The Outsider: Bruce Would Go
"I'll be your mirror, reflect who you are. In case you don't know" - The Velvet Underground and Nico.
"There must be surfers calling to run the comp on these perfect mid-sized laydays," I asked head judge Pritamo Ahrendt.
Pritamo is one of the triumvirate of Teahupoo power brokers, along with surfers rep Kieren Perrow and contest director Chris O'Callahan, responsible for staring at the kind of perfect, hollow South Pacific reef-pass surf that fans would cut of their left nut to witness and then calling the contest off for the day.
"Not one?" I pressed incredulously.
"Nah," he said. "They're all staring it down and waiting for it to get big."
"They've gotta be shitting themselves right?"
"Oh, they're all scared..."
Pritamo was dripping wet after a surf session. He's been surfing himself silly at Chopes. A superbly competent goofyfoot, I watched Pritamo get buried by a thick beast yesterday. As he said, this is so far away from being easy it's not funny.
"The other thing," he continued, "is that we don't want guys surfing 4-6 foot waves and getting through Round 2 when they don't really deserve to be out there in the big stuff. The guys who get through are going to have to demonstrate mastery in the big stuff. Simple."
There ya go, as a collective the ASP Top 32 are holding their nerve. Yet as individuals we will see catastrophic collapses of that nerve in the heat of battle. And this is a battle, let us be absolutely clear on that point.
You've got to admire the ASP's temerity in staring down some of the best layday surf ever seen. Christ, I paddled out across the sheet glass lagoon around mid-morning yesterday. In the distance I could see the expulsions of spray ejected from blue compression chambers hanging in the still tropical air like whales breath. It was perfect. There were around ten pros surfing playful 4 foot surf. Within half and hour the surf had jumped to 4-6 foot with waves so tubular and perfect it bedazzled the mind.
Then without warning the pack came over a small hump and behind it was a wall of water, draining the hump back into itself as it surged on the back ledge. Everyone was motoring to get under it. I duckdived this enormous cylindrical cavern that was sucking so hard I briefly thought I would get sucked back over the falls. That is not a manoeuvre to be attempted at proper Teahupoo. A young Tahitian went backwards over the falls in 2000 and had his skull crushed and back broken on impact. RIP Briece Taerea.
Suddenly the line-up seemed to thin. My heart was pounding. I overheard Julian Wilson asking what to do when caught inside. "Take your leash off and swim for your life," said Dan Ross. I felt a bit faint. I'd already had one of the best barrels of my life and a sickening wipeout that rattled me like a truncheon blow to the back of the head.
You think you might want a piece of proper Teahupoo. I tell you, you don't. You're dreaming. And you are not alone. I watched some of the best surfers in the world look the other way when the next set came. A solid 8 footer that stood up so blue and glassy and irrefutably heavy. You don't see 'em coming. You feel a draining of the ocean, as if a tsunami was imminent and then there is this wall snaking and draining and you are paddling for your life with your heart in your mouth and old Sal Masekelas's relaxed gluteus maximii are clenched as tight as steel cables in case you make caca in your boardshorts.
I saw Owen Wright huck over the ledge and as he dropped in I looked over my shoulder and saw a huge thick cavern well in advance of him and the reef seemed to spring out of the shallow ocean floor like the protruding fangs of some mythical beast. Owen came out with the spit down the end of the reef. Julian got a beast but it was Dan Ross who snagged the heaviest one. Don't be surprised if Rossy steps up big-time against Bourez.
'Got to get out of here' was my sole thought. I managed, for the sake of what was left of my confidence, to sneak a 6 footer before sitting in the safety of the channel. Strange feelings assailed me as I paddled pack to shore. My identity had been crushed and scattered into the infinite expanse of ocean, and I didn't know what would come back into its place. Teahupoo had been judge, jury and executioner for my spirit and the sentence passed seemed as inscrutable and implacable as the clouds drifting over the razorback ridges.
And this was a layday.
Teahupoo village was asleep as I walked back in the early afternoon heat. Nothing moved. The chickens were resting in the dirt, a lazy cockerel attempted to crow and abandoned the attempt. I felt like an atomic particle adrift in the cosmic dust of an incomprehensible universe. The world is going to rack and ruin and in the general malaise the once mighty surf corporations are getting slaughtered in a marketplace that has suddenly turned hostile. There will be collateral damage.
More thoughts came as I slowly pounded the pavement home: Sportswriters have no business getting in the ring with their subjects. Especially when that subject can insult, maim and kill with the most beautiful impudence.
But one person who does have some business in this ring is Bruce Irons. I conduct my journalism in the old school way, which is without phones or motor vehicles. I wander around, sit under a shady tree and see who walks past. I shared some space with a tattooed Tahitian man, a boat driver, which helped restore my disturbed equilibrium. It didn't take long to make out the familiar figure of Joel Parkinson coming in from a surf session. "Seen Bruce, Joel?"I asked.
"Not today, he went surfing some other pass."
"Tell me, you think he should be in this comp?"
Joel narrowed his eyes and fixed me with a steely glare. "I think he should be in it."
"Does he wanna be in it?"
"Hell yeah, that's all we've been talking about. Bruce would go."
Bruce's whereabouts are currently unknown. There's been no representation from Bruce or his people to the ASP. Whether he has approached Billabong remains an unknown at this point in time. An elegant compromise could be an expression session on the big day surfed by Bruce and friends in honour of Andy.
It's now gone small and onshore in Tahiti. The bad winds are the first physical signs that the swell is coming. The exuberant French lady making coffee at the mariner is ecstatic to see me. She speaks French rapidly and enthusiastically until I sheepishly put my finger and thumb up. "Francais...un petit pou."
Her husband, the manager of the Teahupoo fishermans co-op, laughs uproariously. He is round and bald, with great bulging eyes like a bull-frog. He puts his spectacles back on and returns to the cross-word. His countenance is serene, his soul untroubled by the days ahead. The boats are moored in the marina. As I'm walking away the coffee lady runs after me. "Monseuir, monsieur!"
She hands me a strange fruit I have never seen before. It is the shape and size of a human heart. I swear I felt it palpitating in my hand.
"Quelle horreur!"
Comments
Really great article! I swear my heart started beating faster just reading about your chopes experience... I think the pros will be shaking in their boots right about now!
Tell me...did you crush that heart-shaped fruit? Did you eat it? Was it good...?
Hilarious and evocative Steve. I'm sitting at a desk in Syndey and shitting myself thinking about taking off in that shit.
Steve, if you get a chance, or even get to understand it yourself, can you explain the bathymetry a little. I understand why it pitches so mean, why it stands up with no back, but what I can't get my head around is your description of everyone scratching and paddling to get through that larger beast that comes through.
Normally a wave like that, with bathymetry like that, will have the advantage (?) at least that the even the bigger and meaner waves will tend to break in the same spot, i.e. where it goes from deep water to shallow water abruptly. Whilst shitting myself just imagining the whole scenario, I can't get my head around that one issue. In my mind, the take off zone wouldn't shift much because the mechanics of the wave are based on a reef bottom which doesn't move sans earthquake.
Are their steps in the reef? Does the angle that it is coming change everything?
I understand from other reading that Teahupo goes from a beautiful barrel at 4' to a gargantuan human-eating monster at 8'. That denotes a very different step in the reef.
Care to extrapolate and pontificate?
By the way, is a mariner anything like a marina?
Great read!
I found it interesting that they are not going to let the second round guys get off easy. Thats fucking the way too do it.
..."The other thing," he continued, "is that we don't want guys surfing 4-6 foot waves and getting through Round 2 when they don't really deserve to be out there in the big stuff. The guys who get through are going to have to demonstrate mastery in the big stuff. Simple."
As above, it's only a snippet of information but says so much about how the organisers are going to handle this swell. Props for including it.
Here's a quote in honor of Bob, who's plastered all over the togs currently marketed by Billabong,...
"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Macking Teahopoo? Now that's a whole 'nother realm to the marketing story.... Unlike music, if the conditions turn out as everyone expects, there WILL be pain.
Both mental and physical.
Stiv Sheared, your reports are taking it to a very nice level... Way to sell it.
And, what ever level of crumbs you are being paid, you deserve a raise.
You are doing a fine job assisting the selling the whole bloody thing.
Outsider - you're on a roll.
Batfink - Sean Collins has done a detailed expose about Teahupoo on Surfline recently. Bathymetry, geography, winds, swell directions... the whole box and dice. It's a good intro to the dynamics of Teahupoo, however, it doesn't get near the meat of the Outsider's personal foray into tackling the beast first hand and may not reach the detail you're after. Worth a look if you have'nt seen it though.
Outsider - does the wave behave like some other reef breaks where you paddle but don't move as the water draws off the reef and stacks up behind you? From the footage it doesn't appear to be that way but the descriptions of the wave tends to suggest it.
B and F, there's two distinct ledges out there......and waves in the 8ft+ range are breaking on the back ledge.
These waves which we all recognise as proper Chopes waves also have a fairly broad angle of attack on this back ledge.
It's scarily easy to be caught out of position, and like I said, there is no warning.
Glad to hear they are running in the real deal.
The waves are selling the place. Nothing else. Shearer is just one more conduit to the experience.
Hemmingway himself could be writing about the lesser spots on tour, and while it would be a great read, there would be none of this anticipation for the reason we all come to watch: THE WAVES.
See ASP... it's easy. Follow the waves, and the money will follow.
great article, can't wait for the bombs to start dropping
Steve - Are Quads still usefull at 6ft plus chopes
Hows the new Gunter shooter?
D
John Severson wept.
Anthony Walsh will be riding quads at macking Chopes.
Been riding the 6'3" quad out there.
Quads feel so good and positive in the tube.
Another great read Steve. Credit for throwing yourself over the ledge.
It's great to see pros and organisers agreeing on running it in solid conditions as it will be awesome to watch.
My question is, how are they going to handle it if one of the competitors is seriously hurt or even killed? What would be the fallout? Alot of people don't hear about the amount of punters pulled from the water unconcious, not breathing and seriously hurt year after year. I'm not disagreeing with running it, I'm all for it. Are they caught up in chest beating?
Yes, these guys are amoung the best, but they are not invincible.
There was a big safety meeting here at the Marina today Fitz. Doctors, paramedics, water patrol are on hand. They are taking the possibility of someone getting hurt very seriously.
Bravo.... Great piece Steve.
Black duck and freeride - thanks for confirmation about there being two ledges. Given the way it seems to break, it had to be the case.
How far from the 4-6' breaking ledge is the outside ledge?
It must be the most frightening thing looking up and seeing a blue/black beast coming to give you your last rites.
Bruce Irons may be out there yet if they call off the comp for fear of someone being killed.
Sean Collins stuff is good but not quite what I expected. Not sure, it's such a beast, and as others have said, it seems to almost defy the laws of the physics of wave creation.
Hhhmmm Bucket List. Maybe yeah.
Great read. Thanks to Steve and Swellnet.
Just a question about that fourth photo of Ace Buchan(?) pullling in - is that a man toasting him from the channel with a glass of chardonnay? (He looks a lot like my father-in-law.)
spray ejected from blue compression chambers hanging in the tropical air like whales breath.
Dan,
Quote marks muck up our code so type a few dots ... before using any. That's why your comment is incomplete.
The problem will soon be fixed.
Everybody is getting excited! This is the real deal! Take heed ASP! Do you think New York will get this response?
Steve,
As a fan of both surfing and great literature I really hope you are considering compiling a book (or a series of books) one day based on your many articles and blogposts. This stuff is absolute gold and should be shared with a much wider audience; indeed I think it's a crime to the global pool of knowledge if you don't. Clarkson sold a couple of million copies with his jumbled together material, and it's far less interesting than your writing (not sure about the ratio of surfers to petrol heads though...) Fuck, I'd be happy to lend a hand for free with editing just to get it out there, although I suspect you care little for commerce (or what you might call the anti-Tahiti ideology.)
Keep keeping us all inspired,
JW
these words have made sweet love to my eyes
*You think you might want a piece of proper Teahupoo.*
I don't know anyone who does. I think you'd have to be completely unhinged, or in some way incapable of processing the risk effectively.
Bit more bathymetry in this piece...
http://www.tracksmag.com/Spotlight/Postcards/TEAHUPOO-%E2%80%93-ANATOMY-...
thanks stunet, i was wondering what the prob was. i was prettymuch saying what whitjo said. print may be on the decline, but this deserves hard copy. i'm not a publisher, but i know good writing. steve, where's your cro-magnon critic ...dude... now? (sorry to give him any more cyber-time)he wouldn't have got past customs.
Great coverage of the event!! the level of journalism on swellnet is surpassing itself every day.
Just a thought, any murmurs of an eddy style gathering to be run in Tahiti in the future. Perhaps not in AI's name, but in the idea that these guys are absolute freaks of nature to be able to push over 10 foot plus ledging waves that basically suck dry?
If it comes in anywhere close to the predicted 15 ft Tahitian that we all expect, the test match heats will definitely be be run on the off days.
Anticipation is almost always better than the actual results... as this is an ASP event you know.
Besides, if it hits as big as suggested, the call will come down that it's too big to risk the lives of participants.... Just like they did with the women's division previously.
Carefully wording it as "adverse" conditions.
http://www.examiner.com/surfing-in-national/asp-women-s-world-tour-conti...
Billabong just announced via Twitter that Bruce will get a free surf solo session between the semi's and final.
Given that the decision makers have pushed to run this on Saturday... during the bombs... this should be fun.
Thankfully, this is not a Ladies Event.
Rotty,
After all, this is a business you know.
And the commercials will flow even in BI's solo run.
Welcome to marketing 101.
Now lay off the booze and pharmaceuticals, and go buy some Billabong togs will 'ya?
Bruce between semi and final? This is spectacular news.
Swell maps show white range.
Yeah, I would pack diapers!
The Roller, all the markings of a jaded ex-industry type.
C'mon mate, spill the beans. What happened and when?
to mr shearer, tip of the cap to you sir, this stuff just gets better and better!
It does get better and better but tell us about the food mate. what sort of grinds your average tahitian is dining on for breaky lunch and dinner. i get the feeling it;s abundance on a plate.loving your work chine.... your best bro
It's gunna be 15 foot and you wanna hear about the food?!
..."Carefully wording it as "adverse" conditions.
http://www.examiner.com/surfing-in-national/asp-women-s-world-tour-conti... "
Wow, the comments under there were pretty much exclusively neanderthal man, misogynists the lot of them. Bet they're all pulling roots regularly - like once a decade.
Roller, your cynicism make my tired old soul look like the first sprig of a blooming spring.
Finkster, What you call cynical, I call observations on life....Which tend to spring forward from the experience of being self employed, and living the business world since the age of 24.
The business of surf... adult beverages... detox, ...recovery, rehab, ... and prescribed pharmaceutical meds.... it's all good in the hood... It's all viable business.
Enjoy your spring rolls, bru!
They are delicious.
the original idea was have Bruce mosi on out during the later quarterfinal heats,& have Bruce push the boys into alittle more meat. C'mon y'all know ya surf better infront of your mates right? So, I pitched the idea to some song friends / industry leaders at the January Orlando surf trade show/expo & appearently it took off. the surfing flare gun idea was a hit & the photo shopping in of Wardo in those boogie CLYMB advert on erMag too - btw (my ideas C-;)
PS - now, I just want to tow Dingo into a few waves for 35-mins. you mean if I go to the north shore I'm a have to buy Makua Rothman a couple tanks of gas 1st instead?
if brucie gets to choose who paddles out with him, i'm hoping it's brodie carr.