Stuart Nettle July 6, 2009

I'm still not convinced this isn't an elaborate joke.

If it is, the person who conceived it has done remarkably well. If it isn't....then Lord help us.

Last week I got sent an email from a group calling themselves the Waterman's League. The email explained that the Watermans League were starting up a competition circuit called the Stand Up World Tour.

According to the Watermans League, the Tour is being created, 'to embrace the emergence and exponential growth in the sport of Stand Up Paddling.' Then, to give the sport some credibility, they mention that celebrities such Tom Hanks, Matthew McConaughey and Pierce Brosnan are doing it!

So you can see why I thought all this was a joke. But anyway, I thought 'Stand Up's have had a good run', it's time for a rant.

Before I go on though, let me state my position vis-a-vis Stand Up Paddleboarders (SUP's). That being: I've got no problem with them in the surf. I even use their presence to better myself. Yep, when I see one in the surf I recall the Buddha's lesson about thanking your enemy because from them you can learn tolerance. So I tolerate SUP's as I slowly ascend toward Nirvana.

And, fortunately for me, my ascension is being sped up with the rapid proliferation of the bastards.

So back to the..ahem...Waterman's League.

When it comes to SUP's, it's one thing to stand astride a tanker for a bit of a lark on a small day. It's quite another to be competing on one. And another thing altogether when the competiton is at Teahupoo, which is the first stop-off for the SUP world tour.

From what I can gather, the main difference between a SUP and a surfboard is that you paddle standing up. Once the wave is caught the game is the same, except you are encumbered with a  board that possesses the turning ability of the QEII and a paddle that turns to shrapnel come wipeout time.

If I'm a bit perplexed by competition SUPping I'll admit that I've never understood the sport of 'walking' either. Walkers are basically trying to get from A to B in the quickest time, but with limitations on how they do it. I've heard competition walking described as 'trying to whisper the loudest' and I reckon competition SUP'ing is the marine equivalent.

And what's with the name? Waterman's League? Lord help! I thought the 'waterman' creed was to ride the craft that was best suited to the conditions? Teahupoo and SUP's don't exactly go together like peaches and cream so who then came up with that idea?

I'll bet it was Laird. If so, it's got nought to do with matching wavecraft to wave, but more to do with providing a podium for him to prove his prowess. I know I'm dissing him, but so what? If push comes to shove I reckon I could beat Laird by at least 100 metres.

What I really want to see is Laird, or any of the other 'watermen' out there, take up another sport with an authentic historical lineage -- namely Sit Down Paddleboarding. Although you and I know it as goat-boating. And I don't want them to do it in a funny or ironic way either. I want to see them take on Sit Down Paddleboarding with all the earnestness and rippling machismo that they show in this Waterman's League caper. Maybe even include it in the Waterman's Agenda of Accepted Craft (a list that I like to think is hand-carved in granite).

So step on up all you 'watermen' and show us how manly you are: ride a goat-boat at Chopes.